it me and my mom - we’re the ones watching it.

i’m not much of a car person but the other day on the highway i saw someone that must have had a crack in their tail light, because there was liquid in it sloshing around, and for a second, i was really confused because i could have sworn ‘blinker fluid’ was a joke. it’s been bothering me for a few days now and it’s…

this actually happened to me at work a few months ago - i was on the phone with some dude from another company who was calling me an idiot, trash talking our company, etc. to his coworkers when i said ‘let me look that up for you.’ Meanwhile, my boss was standing next to me asking why i looked like i was about to cry…

not even joking when i say it’s on my playlist that i listen to at work every day

aaron, oh aaron, what are we going to do with you?

i fucking love kathy bates and will fight these people who told her to keep it hush hush

i believe virginia and my own home state of pennsylvania are the only two that don’t recognize the ULC - i ‘became an ordained minister’ in case my one friend ever gets married, and it turns out we’d have to drive to New Jersey (only 20 minutes, but still) to do it.

everyone should listen to After Laughter because it is amazing and super good and Hayley Williams is a treasure who deserves to be heard

come say that to my face, republicans. my dad was 39 when he had a stroke even though he ran 3 miles every day, ate fairly healthy meals, and had no family history of it.

honestly the first thing i thought of after ‘are you fucking serious?’ and ‘dear god i hope they all survive’ was ‘shiiiiiiit am i gonna get in trouble for any delays to my customers because of this’

you leave kip out of this, he is a treasure and would do anything for LaFawnduh, as evidenced by this photo

knock knock

she should put CARLY Sparkles in it because i’m literally just a mix of both of them lol

my friend and i go to our local diner on our birthdays and i try to give $10 to $20 when i pay since i know i’ll be getting birthday money anyway

kneel down and they’ll bond with you - feed them 3 or 4 apples and they’ll lead you to treasure. oh wait, you meant IRL dogs?

hated both my junior and senior prom because i didn’t have a date to either and all my ‘we don’t have dates either!’ friends FOUND dates AT prom.

of all the things to love about Cute Boyfriend, the thing i love the most is that he enthusiastically turns on the captions whenever we get a new streaming service - my exes all hated captions but i like having them in case we need the vlume to be low, or if they’re talking quickly/background noise makes it hard to…

i’m so uncomfortable right now

my drag queen friend and i went to see her in philly a few years ago during her rolodex of hate tour and she was INCREDIBLY funny and nice, but witty as shit on stage.