Why, once I was chatting with my own dear mother - okay, complaining bitterly about this and that. I exclaimed "Why didn't you just strangle me at birth?" "Well, I always assumed that eventually somebody else would do it for me," she replied.
TeamTarth
teamtarth
So there was this guy who would always sexually harass me on my way home from work. I’d get off the train and walk by this auto repair shop. This motherfucker didn’t even work at the shop — the shop owner described him as a “parasite” who loitered outside of the shop trying to buy up junkers and always hollering at…
Thank you Joel McHale. I’d extend that moratorium to the new usage of the term “curated.” Putting a bunch of makeup samples in a box does not make you a “curator.”
I don’t know if this counts as a burn, but my 5 year old niece had a kid at school that was making fun of her during recess. Really childish stuff (fittingly) but it was really getting to her. Her mom told her that the kid was just picking on her to get a reaction out of her. So at school the next day she confronted…
YES. FUCK THAT LADY SO HARD!
My sister might kill me for this, and it’s not a burn, but it’s such a great one-liner and you guys are the perfect audience and I HAVE TO SHARE.
My 16-year-old sister looks a little bit older so she occasionally gets hit on by boys in their early 20s. At one point, this one sorry fellow tried to convince her that “age is just a number,” to which she quickly retorted, “a prison cell is just a room.”
some sick burns i have delivered:
Not especially sick or clever, but I give myself props for not walking away and muttering to myself.
I just remembered a great one! Last month, my friend - who is the chillest, least confrontational, most mild-mannered person in the whole world - was visiting Israel and he ran into some German lady who was like, “Why can’t there just be peace?” My friend was all, “Yeah, totally” (my friend and I are both Jewish but…
This sick mom burn is excellent.
Fairly recently me, my siblings and my parents were sitting around and in a sign of how we can now all talk like adults we were sort of telling “The most fucked up I’ve ever been” stories and my sister, who had a bit of a wild adolescence, tells a pretty horrific story. My mother, who was the least enthusiastic about…
Waiting at the airport for a flight. There’s a line of about 10 people at the counter that were delayed from an earlier flight. Some dude pushes past the line and screams at the desk agent that, “(He) has to be on this flight! And it has to be first class!” Agent tells him that she can help him but he need to wait in…
One time I was at the bar wearing these really cute booties. They were a bit trashy and I got them at the thrift store but I was rocking it.
That Rihanna burn just changed my life.
My then-roommate and I were at a bar and a guy came up to her and said in the most cheesy, oily voice you can imagine, “Hey, just to save some time: how would you like your eggs in the morning?”
Ooh, this one will be fun! The first story coming to my mind is one I have told on here before, but I’m sure it will be new to most of you:
We’re veering very close to Muppet territory here with the fillers.
If I sleep on my back, I will snore because my tits will choke me out.