Our thoughts are with their friends and family

12 foot? That low?

Do not however take any “Viagra” this guy offers you:

And I bet that old asshole pitches a 12-foot-high rainbow with backspin. Damn those old assholes, with their decades of experience and training and being better than me at softball. Assholes.

They really fucked it up this time, didn’t they my dear?

My best birthday happened 3 weeks after I met a guy who I was very into. We’d been on a few dates but he was away that weekend for a friend’s wedding. My friends planned a fun and special day because it was my 30th birthday, and it was a blast, but I felt bad for continuously checking my phone to see if he texted. He…

And rightfully so. His family is a bunch of evangelical pricks...but I repeat myself.

With this one conversation Lamar Jackson is now a closer friend than any other member of Rodgers’ family.

Her face is tragic. I wouldn’t have noticed the gun. She is enought to make people jump back unless they are selling cosmetics door to door (even then - eww).

How’d you get a picture of Kershaw through Vin Scully’s eyes?

I’m not sure if MAGA turds are giving their kids name like Kymlynn and Braedyn and are setting up college funds. More like Gunnar and Reagan and they won’t be going any liberal indoctrination factories (except maybe to Liberty or Hillsdale).

I was born and raised in MN, went to college at the University of Minnesota, and lived for years in the NW suburbs. Jeffrey: You fucking nailed it, man. 

How about that, having a front row seat to every failure? I’ve heard Paul Allen interviewed and he sounds like the kind of guy you’d want to hang out with, but if I was him and developed an affinity for the team I do the calls for, I’d probably have hung myself a long time ago.

I know. I just re-read what I wrote and now I am not sure which part is most horrifying: the weird roommate who sat in the dark, the roaches, the lack of a shower, or the shopping cart. Who needs a full size shopping cart in their living room?

since he was an art teacher at the Museum School, I figured he wouldn’t dismember me

softly singing “laaaambchop’s playalooong..”

“It selects the album at random and fists me.”

Sounds like someone with whom you would have experienced the best sex of your life, and then woke up an hour later handcuffed to the bed, with her smiling and running a knife over your lower extremities while casually decorating your face with makeup. 

Fuck buddy makes this awfully specific so I don’t think I have a great one, but: