In his defense, he just missed how much snow there is in Finland. 

“Look man, I’m not gonna say I know what a cocaine user looks like, but then again I haven’t slept in three days and might have just pissed myself.”

“He was a smart guy, not a party animal.”

I hate that there is a sexual assault beat anywhere. 

Please reply with your “7th Inning Stretch” and/or “grandsons” joke here.

So, you waited to jack off to your present girlfriend until after you started dating?

Worth noting that the story sounds a lot more entertaining if you read it in a Borat voice, because he writes “MY WIFE” a number of times.

Yeah, it tends to be, because it’s a lot more diverse. Drunk-ass Chads and Brads are pretty outnumbered on the south side. You call someone racist shit at Sox Park and you’re probably leaving in an ambulance.

Yeah, this part of the third paragraph felt vomited up too:

You say there’s no (NBA) team in the Kansas-Nebraska-Iowa-Missouri area. Well, sure. College basketball is king in each of those states. There might be 15 million people across those states but you’re gonna be hard pressed to find many people who want to shell out for NBA season tickets in any of those places. Hell,…

I was a secret Chad Pennington stan, and not just because the name fit the looks and both fit the position, but because he was a pretty good QB. But alas, he missed taking the Jets to the Super Bowl and instead we were given nearly 20 years of Brady and the Pats. I think we all got a raw deal. 

The fact this doesn’t have more stars is an impeachable offense. 

Well, that’s one way to get head from a cougar. 

If I had a nickel for every time the Republican Party has screwed over anyone who isn’t rich, old, male and white, I’d likely be golfing at my country club down in Florida or Arizona, while I sexually harass the young girl driving the beer cart as the old black guy back at the clubhouse shines my shoes and the Mexican…

Umm, continue to draft, pass, and enforce laws designed to keep anyone who isn’t rich, old and white forever in a subservient position to those who are? I mean, you might not have noticed how Scott Walker busted public unions in Wisconsin, or Florida passed “stand your ground” gun laws, but those things are definitely…

As a Midwest resident, I’ll see your shitty Wildwood Boardwalk t-shirt stands and raise you the Wisconsin Dells. We get all of the above PLUS obnoxious Green Bay Packers and Harley-Davidson t-shirts. We even have a bar/restaurant named “Nigs.” Not kidding. 

Best part about the win?

Some of his passes were incredible. He showed no fear, and that says a lot. 

Somewhere, Tim Couch sighs in relief and takes off his fire-proof suit.

We need a parliamentary form of government where the party in power nominates the Prime Minister from their ranks. Cuts down on the crazy.