You must be a fucking riot at parties.

“Perhaps you were unaware that they defeated literally every other team in the NFL.”

Well, your grandfather had to walk 10 miles to school up an icy hill both ways against the wind, so I'm sure he was unimpressed.

So when you enter a room, does all the air just rush out, or does it take a while?

Well, I was referring to masturbation, so perhaps.

It’s been broken up. Not unlike Pangaea.

American exceptionalism at its best.

Well, I guess we’ll have to get rid of all those stories on Deadspin about stadium financing, Attorneys General investigating daily fantasy sports, and congressional investigation into PEDs and CTE. BECAUSE POLITICS.

Nope, he's right. Lincoln was a republican.

Holy shit.

Jesus. I’m crying.

You get yours tomorrow, yinzer.

Am I the only one who WANTS this to happen? Please, Please, please let that wasteland of a town get this waste of a team. They're so perfect for each other they should tie the knot at the Graceland Wedding Chapel.

As evidenced by the outcomes you noted, odds are the red button on the Sports Machine was actually the Infinite Improbability Drive:

Well, thanks Kinja. Had a great reply ready to go and lost it. All I can say is that pitching wins championships, and if you look at the starting pitching of both the Cubs and Cards this year, you’d be foolish to bet on the. Cards rotation with their +4.00 ERA beating some combination of Arrieta, Hamels, Lester and…

Nah. If the season ended today, the Cards would have to win a game in SF, probably against vs. Bumgarner, and then take 3 of 5 from the Cubs - and the Cards aren’t even good at home.

If you wrote a cover letter to a company for an open job, and misspelled that company’s name, you think they’d offer you the job?

I spent a year in Houston one month, and can concur. There’s more roaches wandering the streets downtown after dark than people.

“Were he to decide to leave acting”

Let’s remember some Texans