That’s why I’m glad the last restaurant I worked at only had steak knives. There was not a single regular knife in the building.

Pinkham’s law, re: Bill Edgerton’s story:

#NineLivesMatter I will see myself out now.

The title of this post reminds me of when I first found out that my husband often spent time thinking about nothing. It blew my mind. I could not understand how someone could literally not be thinking about anything. It takes me hours of meditation to get to that point. And then I ruin it by thinking, “oh hey, I’m not…

I used to work for a music producer who would get her power-trip stroked by sending back the food. Every. Single. Time. It didn’t matter what she ordered, where she was eating, or any other variable you can think of. This was just her way of saying, “I can bend others to my will” (probably because she wasn’t even on…

I filmed an “extremely awkward sex scene” once. I was dating this guy for about 3-4 months when he set up his iPhone on a tripod on the bedside table. WTF? NOOOOOooooooo. “It’s just so I can watch it later,” he said. GTFO OF MY HOUSE, I said.

I’ll never forget the ex-boyfriend who excitedly told me he’d seen an instructional video on the internet where someone had trained away their gag reflex and thought it could work for me. He then proceeded to show me a clip of a woman hooked up to a machine that operated thusly: the more she deep-throated a dildo, the…

Sliding in your DMs like

“They are consistently models of their Christian values in their homes, their communities, and their churches.”

I've been using this one all day

My husband says the same shit: “How do you keep track of all these appointments?” “How do you remember to give everyone their medication at the appropriate time?” “How do you find the best vet/restaurant/day care every time?”

We’re both so lucky to have her.

I’m honestly most offended by the fact that that thing is fucking $45. It is literally a band with some feathers glued onto it. My 4 year old niece could make something in craft class that looks less cheap.

selfie stick

My eldest daughter was born about 1:15am, this is us shortly after. Hers was a great birth and I felt like I had just kicked all sorts of ass. :)

When I hand it to her, I tell her, “No charge for the extra blood!” She doesn’t even blink, snatches the package and leaves.

Erik is being a typical conservative. If and only if it happens to someone they know is something out of line or deserving of empathy. Wendy Davis, Sandra Fluke, Hillary, those women deserve all the hatred that can be dished out, and in the most vulgar way possible. Megyn Kelly? OMG, this is awful, how can someone be…