I make the same offer to Gov. Christie that I make to Sen. Ted Cruz:

It’s my first time.

Inside that room is the Golem of Trump, made from 11 secret herbs and spices, which has been patiently waiting until this moment in history to be discovered and unleashed. It’s gonna be huge.

The best coffee maker I’ve ever had (just used it a few moments ago, even if you’re reading this in 2019), is a plastic cone I got for 50 cents at a Salvation Army store.

The best coffee maker I’ve ever had (just used it a few moments ago, even if you’re reading this in 2019), is a…

It’s the only way you can pronouce those pesky Aztec lyrics.

Wow, Mark, this was amazing. It’s as if you can see right into the common core of every woman’s vagina.

This time, Katniss is really pissed.

Hahaha, these guys are like Air Force ground controller teams who find out they have to live, move, and fight embedded in an Army unit.

‘Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off

Even then, they were relegated to data entry and routine analysis.

Far more effective forms of female Viagra have been around for a long time.

So, there are at least 2 to the 11th power idiots who have self-identified as customers for Hillary Clinton’s fabulous reeducation spa.

Just put him in a locked room with Gloria Allred, no furniture, and a single knife in the middle of the floor. The one who comes out alive is not guilty.

Yeah, I know. I was an Army Chemical officer. I know exactly what it’s for and what it can do. It has legitimate medical uses the same way organophosphates have legitimate agricultural uses.

Plutonium can also be used to good purpose, but you wouldn’t want to be there.

Please do not use the toxin from clostridium botulinum for your beauty purposes. It is the world’s most toxic natural substance.

Ricky, Julian, and Bubbles would all like to subscribe to your newsletter.

I’m sure somewhere along the way she’s learned to handle a torpedo.

Get back to me when she gets her own Plaza.

I use the tears of defeated Republican office holders.

I use the tears of defeated Republican office holders.