I will, but you should know ... I can be kind of an asshole. (Example: see above)

I spent most of the appointment asking if I needed his permission to do things. "Put this gown on," was followed by, "Should I call my husband first?"

"Give me your arm so I can draw blood/take your blood pressure." Did I need to call him first?

"Put your feet in the stirrups." Did I need to call my husband?

The point…

Yes OF COURSE. And I always write them a receipt for their records.

Did the woman provide written consent for the man to ejaculate in the first place?

I've noticed you never see a Seaman Recruit Whiskers or Private Chubbington. Cats rise rapidly through the military ranks. I suppose this is because of their natural instinct to engage in covert operations and kill targets.

I feel as if, even had I not read the piece accompanying this photo, this photo would still weird me out.

Hopefully something consensual.

The coolest cats are shelter cats!

Whoops. Too late to edit, but I hope RUBY gets the help she needs.

So... Can we name the baby South West? Or is Kanye gonna be mad if we do?

I could buy the girly bedspread - his mom gave it to him. But that is an awful lot of Bed Bath and Beyond decor with feminine flourishes to explain it away as mom stuff. Maybe his ex girlfriend furnished their apartment and fled under the cover of night with just her Yorkie and the clothes on her back when she…

You get a tv, a bed, and all the coco [sic]. Do homeless girls love cocoa? Is that a thing I should know?

Wait how are these not the same guy who is just lying about his age in the first one? "Hot coco" seals it for me.

The Boy was born at 26 weeks- he was my special little guy and even now as a lazy, nearly good for nothing, gangly 23 year old we have a very special bond. (For instance, I can say all of these things about and to him but I will rip your heart out and show it to you if you do.) 11 year old Big Foot (who calls the Boy…

Anyone remember that Buffy episode where Jonathan did some sort of magic spell that made him super famous for no particular reason whatsoever? We're all clear that this is why Iggy is a thing, right? Evil, evil magic.

Here are two of my munchkins and yes they will live forever. (And yes the cat is cleaning her because he's a weirdo and weirdos live forever. This is science.)

Mac (not Max) has as much energy at 3 as he did as a puppy - I predict a very long life for this little guy. (ETA: I realize, after posting this, the irony of writing about his energy while posting a picture of him sleeping. All I can say is that he gives 100% to everything he does, whether it's napping or barking at…

......did we even read the same article? Personally, I think hot women posing seductively with carp is pretty universally funny, no matter where they hail from. I think the bitterness you're tasting is coming from your own mouth.

Send all viable calendars to dries@jezebel.com please.

Please make this a regular series. Kate Being Overlooked For Calendars + Shade Court = Perfect Jezebel.