"Does this mean you're going to stop calling me?"

My Boss: He doesn't look that old for 80 years old.
Me: It's not like he has to worry about sun exposure in prison, dude.
My Boss: Yeah...

Did they register at Bloodbath and Beyond? Or just Target?

I had to click through to the registry. I just had to! Someone got them the fondue forks. How thoughtful. They're just the right size and shape for gouging one's eyes out.

The link to [my memories] doesn't appear to be working. Get it together, Madeleine.

THEY ARE THE WORST. Uneducated, pretentious, ridiculous, pampered.

This is a really good point. Also, I keep thinking "voles" instead of "vols" and "gentleman vols" makes me think of a vole in a top hat and tails, which I would very much like to see.

Now a trashier state must top Florida by having a daughter, mom, and grandma give birth on the same day. You can do it, guys! 14, 28, 42, go!

Caramel Machete is now my stage name. Called it.

This guy is awesome. Perhaps Rick Scott should take some notes that the secret to longevity might be living a positive life and staying busy giving back.

I've been hearing this bullshit since 1966 (my earliest Halloween memory). Not once in the past 47 years have I heard of or been given free drugs especially not at Halloween. 1986 doesn't count because piles of 'free' coke incurred a lot of oral sex expectations.

With the motto and the Indian logo, they'd have scored a trifecta of offensiveness if pirates were a some sort of protected class.

There is also, truly, no justification for Facebook posts this long. Ever. Everrrrrrr.

The small version of that photo looks like an Eminem action figure.

I'm uncomfortable with it.

Exactly. Find a starbucks you never care about frequenting again/where the baristas won't give you side-eye for bringing in a different OKCupid date every Sunday, have a coffee with your stranger-date, walk out and text your friend about how it went. Carry on from there.

Until the Ebola threat subsides, then return to your usual touching.

Good, old fashioned racism at work, here.

I think he's one of those cats who thinks "OK. I'm not sure where you're going with this but I'll see how it turns out." (Later, he's pee in their underwear drawer as "an artistic statement.")