Or a fork.

As a woman, I plan to have a panini for lunch.

"I've eaten plenty of girls' thongs in my life," Brian the Samoyed boasted to The Post. "But I've never eaten hers."

It's a bad day for Brian-related Jezebel news.

"I love sexually harassing women! But I didn't sexually harass this one!"

#NOTALLBRIANS

I would like to sue the man who took my virginity. I left it in a gross Bed Stuy apt many years ago and would like it back. That, or its depreciated value (approx. $37.50) must be returned to me.

Maybe he was trying to take a dick pic and took a screenshot instead, and then thought "meh, this is basically the same thing."

Why would it be a "bad choice given the subject matter"? Is she expected to constantly and continuously be a walking billboard for domestic violence? She's an actual person, let her dress however the hell she wants when she wants. I doubt she thinks, "oh, what will what I'm wearing say about that time I got beat up?…

I'm glad someone finally spoke up about this. He's been guilty of squid-shaming on multiple posts but I guess that's the sort of thing that's acceptable here at Kitchenette. I see that this so-called "blog" has no problem celebrating shrimp and other crustaceans, but when it comes time to talk about octopus, this…

You know, I'm a bit surprised that you'd just describe the octopus as "loose." I came here expecting an octopus-positive environment.

I feel I'm one of the few people who are less than impressed by "queen" Beyoncé and jay z carter. I mean, they're talented, etc., but everything they do is not magic in my eyes. Nor is everything George Clooney does. I'm a disappointment to my gender and generation, I think....

Fucks given - 0

Patrick Stewart should be officially named "Goodwill Ambassador of All That is Awesome."

OMFG tears running down my FACE at that Patrick Stewart story. All the tears. ALL OF THEM! And that picture...omfg....bawling.

How the fuck did you get a picture of my cat?

I swear, the worst decisions anyone can make usually start with 'But everyone else my age—.'

More belly to rub, more kitty to love.

I love reading Miss Manners on the subject. "Should I tell my friend she's fat?" "Why? Do you think she hasn't noticed?" If you see something wrong with someone's appearance, the rule is that you can mention it only if the person can immediately fix the problem. Since no one is going to step into another room and…