I get so confused when doctors ask me about this. Like really, you expect me to keep exact track of my period? Even when I’m on birth control, fuck, I don’t remember. Either it’s happening now or it’s not, that’s the best you’re getting.

People gave Dakota Johnson such a hard time for snapping at her mother, and I felt bad for her. If you filmed me hanging out with my mother long enough you would definitely catch me snapping at some point. Same with everyone, I think. No one can reduce you to behaving like a petulant child faster than family.

You’re 100% correct. I’m just mocking my debilitating laziness and how utterly out of shape I am right now. Off to go cry into an enormous burrito.

You lost me at “morning exercise.”

Or maybe for if you have any interest in cultures outside your own?

Just to broaden your cultural knowledge.

You should’ve been subscribing to my newsletter, “Men: They’re Perfect, So How Can We Bring Them Down With Baseless Accusations?”

I wish I’d known about all the sweet, sweet rape money back when I got raped. I’d be on easy street!

When I’ve decided on cake, I don’t settle for the most healthy option. It’s fucking CAKE. That’s like wanting to get drunk and buying some weak ass lager.

A tad bit easier for minorities.

He wouldn’t ask a man the same question. That’s the problem.

And that is how I ended up with an adopted kid and a foster kid.

FIFY...

Your one month old baby just drank a shot and a half of vodka and your first reaction is to beat up the mother?