Millennials won’t remember this, but Hillary Clinton was once arrested for masturbating in a movie theater.

Millennials won’t remember, but Dinosaurs used to wear flannel and SOAP was something you’d wear on your feet.

I think it’ll be fun to fuck with people on the internet by prefacing everything with “Millennials won’t remember but...” and just make shit up.

"You got five pounds of fluid resting on a tapered bottom.: Millenials won't remember, but 2-liter bottles used to have a black plastic cap on the bottom that was level, which solved this whole problem.

Sanderson probably already has his own drafts ready to go.

Sanderson would finish this series in 2 and half weeks.

Toews is JJ Watt without all the sanctimonious douchebro tweets about it.

That story could be from last Saturday and I’d still believe it.

The E3 Ranch — he’s a first baseman, get it?

I don’t believe his Thai brothel story for one fucking second.

Adam LaRoche to Sex Trafficker: “But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.”

“LaRoche, along with Brewers pitcher Blaine Boyer, spent 10 days in November in Southeast Asian brothels, wearing a hidden camera and doing undercover work to help rescue underage sex slaves.”

I laughed out loud when I read this. It’s hilarious that Keown a professional journalist would take this at face value. You can…

The father felt it. Do you?

All they need is a cardboard cutout of the owner with pieces of clothing removed after wins and the team’ll be right as rain in no time. Wait, the owner is ‘Liberty Media Corporation’? Well, corporations are people too, so I guess a cardboard cutout of the late Antonin Scalia.

I read this and had to ask myself, “Did _I_ write this?” Because dads are funny, and damn it, our families know it whether they realize it or not.

Depending on how close you are with him, I recommend gently ribbing him with things like "Man, that container is way up there. Can you reach it?"

I went to read something of yours at GQ and this is the ad they served up:

Every time (literally every time) I eat a fortune cookie and read the fortune, I pretend it says, “Help I’m trapped in a fortune cookie factory.” My wife and kids think I’m stupid and annoying, but they can’t fool me, I know they think it is just as hilarious as think I it is. Deep down. I’m sure of it. They think I’m…

Baby blue and teal are really awful colors.