My car resolution for 2018: don’t hit any deer.

My eyes got really wide at the “blood” hashtag.

My parents refused to pay for Disney because Kennywood was just down the road, but beyond that: I was an insanely short child. I did not qualify for the good rides until way later than my peers. I can’t imagine spending a fortune to stand around because you can’t get on any rides.

The Carrie/Gary Madonna in Hamill’s tweet has me reconsidering my religious preferences.

My husband is colorblind, and 3D movies give him severe nausea. We’ve quit them completely.

So what you’re saying is that Michelle should start a fashion line. I concur.

That’s illegal if you’re in the US. Look up the National Labor Relations Act of 1935 (NLRA). There are some even stronger statutes at the state level, so check your state as well.

I have a theory, based purely on observational anecdata, that Olds such as myself are less likely to get neck strain from cell phone use, due to our tendency to lift the phone to accommodate glare on glasses. IDK if that’s better or worse.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO AUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHH

WUT.

Matt Damon had no idea how to grieve for his dead father, but luckily he has daughters and thus was able to figure it out.

Maybe my taste in musicians is showing, but seeing her in a single removable sleeve like that made me go “Huh, didn’t know Mariah was into the hard stuff.”

This needs bumping.

One of the clone trolls made up a fight between me and 2 Woke this week. It wasn’t even trying to look real—zero to outrage in one sentence. I have no idea how they pick people; I’m so goddamned boring I’d think someone imitating me would fall asleep into their keyboard.

I was researching headphones and then started seeing ads for hearing aids. Right church, wrong pew.

Fuck Amazon. Today is the 16th, and the estimated delivery for 1-day shipping is December 27th. What calendar are you using, Jeff?

Between this and Louis CK’s Cinnabon bit, I’m starting to think that cinnamon buns are some kind of secret pervert symbology.

TIL that there are trends in Christmas trees. I had no idea. Except for a few misguided years in which we bought a real tree and were inundated with spiders, we’ve been using my grandmother-in-law’s fake tree from the 70s.

Yup, we had spider bombs several years in a row, which led to the cats chasing around eight-legged snacks all day and then projectile vomiting. A fake tree prevents my life from turning into a Chevy Chase movie.

I don’t have a stove or fireplace, but my grandparents had a fine mesh screen over the top of their chimney. Maybe that would help?