When my car was towed to the dealership after being mangled by a buck, they needed me to sign off before they could start taking it apart to build an estimate. They e-mailed a contract and asked me to reply by copy-pasting a sentence they spoon fed me. It basically gave them free rein to do whatever they wanted—order…

ILU Aimée.

I thought about getting a Nest, but I don’t see how it would reconcile “woman with no blood who wants to live on the sun” and “man who shovels snow in his underwear”.

Fucking with Paul Sorvino’s daughter seems very, very stupid.

But did they save the bird?

All of that sounds excellent, except the wool. Can I have the awesome socio-political structure without the hives and itching?

I don’t even like horror movies, and I would watch that.

The guy banned from the mall is against materialism, guys. Guess he’ll have to troll for little girls at the soup kitchen, like a Good Christian.

The Boomers were an artificially-inflated generation brought about by a collision of factors (the timing of the Depression, WWs, Cold War, etc). Why is it logical to frantically attempt to maintain that level of birth, instead of simply planning for/dealing with the more natural birth rates that have existed since…

Not sure if it’s SOP everywhere, but the automated stamp machines in my local post offices give change in Sacagawea coins. You can get a truckload that way.

That’s fine, I’m always cold.

I’d use $2 bills. Possibly with pink glittery lipstick smeared on them.

I’M NOT DRIVING WITH ONIONS, YOU’RE DRIVING WITH ONIONS.

That is insane. You must be fun at parties—legitimately fun, not the sarcastic meme-ish version of that phrase.

WHAT

If this is true, I totally screwed myself with years and years of BCP. Lack of ovulating = too many fucks still to give.

When anyone talks about veganizing cats, I just drown them out by yelling “TAURINE!” over and over. I hope one day at least one of them will look it up.

Apparently I’m strange for bringing my own condiments to a catered lunch meeting, so you’re not alone.

I once saw an 80s glam rock tribute band stop a performance because the lead singer got his nipple ring stuck in his mesh shirt.

Never mind, you’re not a real person. Bye!