This is a damn good piece. I don't really have anything funny to say; just wanted to leave this sentiment here. In general, Burneko has for the last six months or so been my favorite Deadspin writer, and this article is just another example of why that is.

I'm 6'7". But my dad tells all his buddies that I'm 6'8" because I'm taller in the morning.
He also tells them that I am successful businessman, but all I really do is run an intricate ponzi scheme out of his garage.

Most dudes go home and beat off after pretty much any encounter with a female. I've been flying half-mast all day since the drive-thru lady asked if I wanted a receipt.

He's not a thug- he's white.

Please oh please have this guy somehow make an NBA roster and try doing this to Z-Bo

That's why you post a video in your Facebook feed, Russ, then nobody from the NFL will ever see it.

Thanks for pointing them out. They blended into their surroundings so well I had overlooked them at first.

I understand wanting to use tear gas on OSU fans as a general principle, but c'mon, you at least have to let them fuck up before you do it.

I believe "choad" was the insult I learned at college. Would be funny to hear KG call somebody that.

Good news is that the UPD and Tallahassee PD are investigating, so the criminals will be brought swiftly to justice.

You know who has a lot friends that say funny things? Bill Simmons. You got J-Bug, Jack-O, you got Bish, "Jimmy". Hilarious group of buddies. Quotable.

lmao elbow to the throat? He got lit up. Watch chess

Obama: [listens to Coach K's remarks]

You are a dumb, dense motherfucker.

I hate the Cowboys, but I love this.

It's Notre Dame. This will blow over just like a scissor lift.

Sponsored by and for Crackers!

Now that I've seen the footage, 2 games seems about right.

Bortles wanted to know about his punting.

It's nice to finally see the wife of a Raven drag their husband into something for once.