Cap dies in battle, Thor escorts him to Valhalla. Tony dies, too, but hang on a second! Turns out his nanobot armor copied his brain patterns so he can live on as the new JARVIS for future installments. Marvel continues to pay RDJ a truckload of money to come by for an afternoon of voiceover work every other year.

Uh ACTUALLY, I think you’ll find that in “Thor: the Dark World,” Mr. Evans is ACTUALLY portraying Loki, who is ACTUALLY only temporarily assuming the form of Captain America! To say that he is playing Captain America in that movie is an EGREGIOUS error and I cannot BELIEVE that a “website” run by “quote-unquote”…

Studios apparently thought the Nick Fury stinger at the end of Iron Man was what people liked most about that movie. It wasn’t - it was the fact that it was Sam Jackson talking to Robert Downey Jr. Casting is Marvel’s secret weapon. People like RDJ as Tony Stark. They like Chris Evans as Captain America. They like…

That’s a mean way to headline this Gary Gaetti retrospective.

That last line is every bit as chilling as the coda of a true-crime doc:

He was pretty good! The whole movie was pretty good!

HAVE A CARE, STRIPLING! DOOM’S UNDERPANTS ARE OF NO CONCERN TO ANY BUT DOOM! PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THE SARTORIAL SUPERIORITY THAT IS DOOM’S NETHER REGION!

I’d much rather they tried this new approach with something other than concurrent Joker movies, but I think ditching the “shared universe” thing is the absolute right move here. Literally no one else has been able to replicate what Marvel did. Disney just found out that even Star Wars can’t be Marvel. The success of…

“tripods are not allowed in the seating areas.”

I continue to be impressed with how thoroughly Carlos Mencia was flushed down America’s collective memory hole.

Yeah, it would have been much more believable if Bruce Wayne accused Ra’s al Ghul of being a pedophile on Twitter.

It’s better than it has any right to be. It has Kurt Russell as a goofy-dad Superman, come on.

A chill goes up my spine anytime I see one where Bart is ogling Lisa/Marge/Maggie. I can only pray those people are all quarantined to DeviantArt now and have been removed from polite society.

My local theater sold out for the opening night of Force Awakens within half an hour. But I was able to buy tickets for the first showing of Last Jedi only two weeks beforehand. Purely anecdotal, everyone else’s mileage may vary, etc., but there’s no way there was a preemptive backlash to “forced diversity” or “poor…

Yeah, because if anyone knows how much of a slam-dunk charges of sexual impropriety are, it’s the government. Even the mere suggestion that someone may be a sex criminal is 100 percent effective at ruining a person’s life and preventing that person from achieving any and all professional and personal goals, such as…

Also, lots of the female characters have masculine-sounding nicknames. “Andy” and “Sam” and “Alex” and so on. That’s not strictly a romantic-comedy thing, though, it seems to crop up a lot whenever they need shorthand for “this character is not a typical woman.”

This is the kind of thing that makes you as a fan say, “He’s just like a kid out there, neat.” Then the game starts and he gets thrown out trying to stretch a single into a double and you say, “He’s just like a kid out there, goddammit.”

“Louis CK’s dick got me fired from coaching SEC football” is some intense butterfly effect/galaxy brain shit.

“There would be those who would claim that he is smarter than the average bear, but this is woefully short-sighted. The mere presence of a hat and necktie alone do not convey intelligence in a bear any more than they do for a man. If anything, Yogi’s insistence on eschewing his ursine nature in favor of joining the…

Yes, Larry Fishburne! Good catch, I forgot all about him being Silver Surfer. I guess Ryan Reynolds would technically count too, since he was the voice of Juggernaut.