So if hand-to-hand combat is all you need to stop a guy with a gun, what the fuck do we need the guns for, again? What the hell good are guns if you can have one and still get your shit wrecked by a well-coached middle-schooler? Isn’t the whole point of having a gun so you can kill someone who could beat you up…

Allegedly he was, but test audiences were confused because they thought it was Arnold. So they changed it to Arnold even though the character design and voice are Rainier Wolfcastle.

Honestly, I’m more shocked that Sean Hannity apparently can still recognize when he’s made a mistake. Removing that post suggests a level of critical thinking I didn’t believe he was capable of anymore (or perhaps ever).

We’re saying “fuck” again, folks. (Pauses smugly for applause.)

Oh, you mean KNIGHTS IN SATAN’S SERVICE?

“(I added the green).”

My favorite bit of trivia about this movie is that Brando wanted to be paid $10 million just for a voiceover, and he wanted Donner to shoot “a suitcase or a bagel” as his stand-in because why the hell would an alien from another planet look like Marlon Brando? And he does pronounce “Kriptin” oddly, but maybe Superman…

So funny to think that Universal wasted hundreds of millions trying to launch the “Dark Universe” on the back of Tom Cruise getting slammed into walls every five seconds but then the movie where the Creature From The Black Lagoon boinks Sally Hawkins gets 13 Oscar nominations. Makes you think.

It’s all a rich tapestry.

HI-FUCKING-YA

If Netflix hadn’t revived Mystery Science Theater 3000, I’d probably cancel it. The early days of Netflix streaming were great for me because they had so much schlock that you couldn’t find anywhere else. Now they’re apparently too good for it, but Amazon Prime is there if I want to watch Death Spa or Terrorvision or…

If my grandkids ever ask me what it was like to live during the Obama years, I’ll just show them a two-second clip of Bill O’Reilly spitting out the word “arugula” like it killed his mother.

I was at Target last week and saw these WWE action figures where all the wrestlers were monsters and I was shocked to learn that that’s not how they actually dress in the ring. I knew enough about current WWE to know that John Cena doesn’t wrestle painted like the Silver Surfer, but you mean that hillbilly guy isn’t…

I mean, when you think about it, it makes sense that a guy with an allegedly pathological fear of stairs would see a wall as the ultimate security measure.

I don’t know, I feel like bathrobe-and-slippers look puts him way past retirement age no matter where he’s from.

I am actually William Katt.

What’s wrong with being sexy?

This is the perfect time for my “The Last Jedi but all the young people are cut out of it” fan-edit. It’s 45 minutes of Luke Skywalker telling Rey to get off his property, followed by Supreme Leader Snoke illustrating why you should write your damn free-loading kids out of your will the first chance you get. Luke…

Rey was in the last movie. Holdo died, Paige died, Phasma died. Leia and her mother were the only two main female characters in the entire series before Force Awakens, so she wasn’t “added” to anything in Last Jedi. So half the nameless extras were women. That’s a “forced narrative,” yikes.

The Last Jedi introduced a grand total of two new female characters into Star Wars, and one of them blew up before it was over.