1. Force a minimum-wage earner to say the president’s name out loud.

Still no Lando?

This is all just pointless armchair quarterbacking on my part, but I’ve always thought that DC shouldn’t be trying to be Marvel Studios, they should be trying to be Pixar. Pretty much every character in their stable is better-suited for a family-friendly animated movie instead of trying to copy the Marvel formula.…

Love these fuckers who can say “How do we know evolution happened, WERE YOU THERE?” and then 10 seconds later be all like, “People were a lot nicer to each other when they could own other people like cows 200 years ago, that’s a fact.” Fuck this “Little House on the Prairie” bullshit.

“One Year Later...the repercussions from Kamala’s shocking marriage continue to be felt throughout the Marvel Universe! What is the pulse-pounding secret found in her change-of-address forms? What cataclysmic cosmic conundrums are contained in the catering menu? And what happens when the Devourer of Worlds - the…

Oh I thought we were doing a “Sniglets” kind of bit. Never mind.

Turn the other cheek...INTO A BLOODY FUCKING MESS

And pedant-erasty occurs when someone steps into a comment section to point out someone’s use of the incorrect term for a specific variant of kid-diddler.

Fury Road is the most emotionally gratifying action movie I’ve ever seen. So many action movies would be vastly improved by even one moment as powerful as Nux’s final “witness me” or Furiosa realizing the paradise she promised Joe’s harem didn’t exist anymore. And yet Fury Road has several of these moments, every one…

LOL “uninformed.” Mr. Vishnevetsky, were you aware of this information I hold in my hand, which states unequivocally that this movie is, in fact, good? No further questions, Senator.

I went to a screening once where Wiseau’s entire “Q&A” session consisted of him calling a random guy onto the stage because it was his birthday. He made the audience sing “Happy Birthday” to him, then Wiseau lifted the guy into the air by grabbing his belt with both hands and flipped him upside-down for a few moments.

NERD: I don’t get it - why would a female want to be with something that doesn’t even look like a human?

The league and the owners are in essence treating mid-market cities like St. Louis, Jacksonville, San Diego and Buffalo as the farm system, with the goal being to get “called up” to L.A., Mexico City, London, Toronto, etc, with the public paying for their ascension. And honestly, if we’re going to do that we need a…

The research department is one guy clicking refresh on Breitbart every three minutes.

Merry Christmas from the Upside-Down!

To the day I die, I will be talking about the day I stumbled onto the Grey Cup, joked that the halftime show would be Gordon Lightfoot, and then there he was!

That was the worry, and it’s still a legit worry. But the only silver lining so far has been that he’s been too dumb, too obstinate, too self-centered, etc., to take full advantage of his office. He’s not a schemer, he’s a 70-year-old spoiled baby who can be distracted as easily as a football player can take a knee.

I mean, why would he be? This guy’s spent his entire life being able to use his money and litigiousness to bludgeon and intimidate his enemies into submission. He’s not El Chapo, he’s your bog-standard rich-boy white-collar criminal who’s used to being able to get away with anything because he can afford an army of…

Lord knows I wouldn’t be the man I am today without the constant love and support of my wife, Bob Garrison’s Web Media Specialist.

Great news. Because the last time Fox News took a hard-line stance against a pathetic reality TV star who mistreated one of their female employees on live television, things worked out SO WELL for everybody.