Anna’s thinking, “Touch this dress with your sticky kid fingers and I own your dad.”

The other two things I did a lot of:

Valerine sounds like a character from Game of Thrones.

I feel like Aniston trolls us with this, but then I realize these are all quotes from old interviews pieced together because women who read Glamour are into this shit. I prefer Jen’s interviews that feature her casual ridicule of people incensed by the fact that she did not turn her womb into a clown car. She’s been a…

That poor kid! It’s shameless the way that Kartrashian drags that kid to places where she’s only going to be bored and miserable for some stupid photo op. It’s not like she can’t afford a nanny.

I prefer him as a painter of kittens than as of the leader of the free world, that is for sure.

I guess the answer to the Beyonce fake pregnancy rumors is that Blue Ivy was hatched, and is also a dragon.

Now several young brides from Kilkenny

If I was filthy rich I would totally buy dragon eggs from GOT and then pay scientists to make dragons out of fossilized mosquitos n shit.

Wanted to. Many times.

Cersei juice = best wine euphemism ever

I hope your asshole writes a bestseller countering all of your dick’s accusations, and that the two of them become embroiled in a decades-long media feud.

“How dare you mock the guy for not knowing what the beach is? Some people make it to age 50 without visiting the beach and somehow completely missing the ever-present representations of beaches in popular culture. Besides, many people suffer from Glorpman’s Syndrome, which is an inability to understand the…

and are often left to their own devices in creating makeshift pads out of leaves, mattress stuffing and rocks,

My dog growing up refused to eat peas. You could literally give her a bit of stew with mixed vegetables in it, she’d lick the bowl clean, then she would drop all the uneaten peas out of her mouth back into the empty bowl.

My dad was like that. I love brussels sprouts know, but hated them growing up. One time when I was 6 he told me that I wasn’t allowed to leave the table until I had eaten all my sprouts.

If you don't already, stay the fuck off Facebook this weekend. This is the time of year where everyone's mom gushing is enough to make you crazy.

Right?! When I got the diagnosis I was like “but i haven’t been raped, or in a war zone, or beaten (much)...”

My mother is an alcoholic, compulsive-spender-hoarder narcissist. I finally went no contact with her last year and this will be my first mother’s day not acknowledging her. It’s tough because there is always an innate desire to please, to be a good person to your mother. But when it just gets thrown in your face and…

I thought you were going to follow that up with “And do they have adequate electricity for power tools and tile floors good for hosing down and complimentary bleach? I’maskingforafriend.”

...But, yeah. Migraine room. I’d pay for that.