Alec Baldwin is less sad if you imagine Jack Donaghy saying the things that come out of his mouth.

"I won't be in tomorrow, Lemon, I'm being subpoenaed by the Gay Department of Justice."

Wouldn't carrying an egg in your spandex been a much easier homage to Cool Runnings?

Sanka, ya dead?

I know! Only the U.S. is allowed to have hubris! All of the hubris!

Cat treachery knows no bounds! They keep you depressed so you'll need them for continual love and cheering up.

I would go husband hunting, but hunting licenses have been really hard to get ever since the local husband population was decimated by chick flicks and demancaveification.

what the actual fuck.

Yes but check out how amazing her wedding dress was:

I was watching this live on the television this morning and my heart broke for him. To only have mere seconds to decide to continue or not, it's a choice that no one wants to see someone have to make. To make matters worse I saw him being interviewed afterwards and that felt like a punch in the stomach- seeing him…

The worst part is the comments. I can't make heads or tails of them AT ALL. They follow a logic only known to those whose initials are ND and can only be learned by reading the entrails of an emu under a full moon on leap day.

Ice Slippery

Not really related to anything at all important, but: man, I am so tired of hearing about the no-flush toilet paper thing in Sochi. Not flushing toilet paper is common in, like, a huge portion of the world. Including in fancy hotels and stuff. And it is common to have signs like that for tourists. All the journalists…

I do not find Mia Farrow's graphic illustration of the destruction of their family due to Woody Allen cheating on her with her teenage daughter to be as shocking as the actual destruction of their family due to Woody Allen cheating on her with her teenage daughter.

Agreed, Kentucky is the home of bourbon, not whiskey.

I realize that sounds snobbish. I do not care.

I'd rather Budweiser spend money on making their bear taste good instead of on fancy commercials.

Wait. That's a music video? I thought it was a commercial for Crazy Carlos' Chunky Bracelet Warehouse.

I am also NO LONGER FAMOUS. Please include me in the next Dirt Bag.

"Now, girls, our club employs some rapists. Nothing to be done about that. However, to avoid embarrassing EVERYONE, please don't go to those guys' parties. "

"120 pounds," quoth the Ravens. "Nevermore."

I love when I overhear my husband talking to our cats, when he doesn't realize I'm listening. They were originally my cats, and he is not much of a cat person in general, but sometimes I'll overhear him from the other room explaining the finer points of baseball or old western films to one of them and it makes me feel…