I will betray my Southern Lady heritage and agree. Oh, they're unripened AND still tomatoes?! Frying them will not save this situation.

I, for one, would like a gift card to Cthulhu's Diner. I bet they do a hell of a job with birthday parties.

I mean, people who call children "pussies" clearly already have something deeply wrong with them.

I actually feel rather sorry for pears because they're so frequently inedible. It's like a tragic design flaw.

"finest gutter extract."

Damn straight.

Jessica was the first delightful sociopath in my life.

I had that outfit. I think this is more evidence that you and I are, in fact, the same person.

It's this one:

Seize, I am dying at "Defend your answer." That should be a thing ALL married people say on a regular basis.

oooh, you starting some SHIT, babe....

You are clearly meant to be at least a co-teacher in this venture.

LOL @ "show your work"

I like where your head is at...

I think you left out the "All of the above" option...

Ari, I missed you like WHOA.

I swear to God my husband fucks with me with dishes — hides shit. Either that or he's dumber than a bag of hair, and I know that's not true...

It can be an extra credit assignment! I love it.

That's literally on the side of my coffee cup as we speak.

Still laughing at "Thursday!"