A Prairie Home Dog Cannon

The Broncos tried to simplify theirs to help Tebow, but no matter how much they work with him he still can't figure out how to be on line.

Similarly hoping to avoid any potential scandal, Ben Roethlisberger opted to hold his bachelor party at a private mountain resort, where he and his buddies enjoyed laughs, lemonade, and a rousing weekend of Fleshlight tag.

These are some of the nicest things I've heard anyone say about an athlete since Ralph Branca.

This summer, Chuck Blazer is Captain (sound effect) Jack (sound effect) Swallow (pithy quip).

In a related story, six more Denver Broncos were unexpectedly cut this weekend, leaving some players wondering aloud about the possibility of a double-agent mohel in their midst.

No love for Nordburg?

Calm down, kid. Ahab's dead.

"Say Queen's liege!"

Eat a dick, Sarah Silverman

Brilliant - hitting the owners right in the ol' pocketbook ...

"LA PUTA QUE TE MARIO!"

That's actually a revered statue in Boracay Island in the Philippines. Its name roughly translates to "The Gift of Saint Tebow".

"Lllllets get ready to rum-ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnn!"

It wasn't long after this text exchange from the night of her bachelorette party came out that Rachelle Friedman's whole, sordid cover story began to unravel.

This picture is actually from the cover of their self-titled old school rap album, Kick n Played.

You're showing your age, Deadspin. 'Full sleeves' are so five years ago, anyone with any cred these days is rockin' a 'Williamsburg wife-beater'.

Heat team lawyer Erik Spoelstra responded with a brief but supremely confident statement,

Dear Rick Reilly: When We Want The Punsters Opinion, We'll Ask For It (We Won't)

COMMIE! I guessed you weren't one of us real 'Murricans when I saw that socialized "u" in how you spelled FAVORITE, but I knew it once I saw that you understood anything at all about U.S. history. GO BACK TO CANADA, YA EUROQUEER!!1!1