That's the thickest white Russian I've seen since the ones Rod Stewart used to make.

I've always wondered why Planned Parenthood wouldn't be all over some kind of promotional tie-in with the ESPYs. Now we know ...

"How about Oregon?"

"Ow, ref!" - Roy

Unfortunately things became a little awkward when Pat Riley put in a request, only to quickly realize he was the only one old enough to know how to do The Hustle.

+ 1 banana peel welcome mat

KHAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

I feel bad for these girls. Innocent or not, they will now forever be associated with these dirty Sanches allegations.

"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAT!"

Brooke Shields got a similar size tattoo recently, but only to cover up the scars from all those tiny, tiny fingernail scratches.

"The mission is to stay positive"

"CAN YOU SMELL-ELL-ELL-ELL-ELL-ELL-ELL-ELL-ELL-ELL-ELL-ELL ... IF THIS MILK IS ROTTEN?"

The couple is registered at Bed, Bath, and Bestillforaminute.

Well fine, if no one else is gonna say it I guess I'll have to ...

Oops, sorry, just went back and read your old posts and saw you've already explained this. Probably should have read those first, sorry to twist the knife again. Hope all is well.

HEY! Aren't you the one that turned down a threesome for that girl?? Sorry about the break-up (unless you dumped her and are happy) but that is a hard-learned lesson my friend. HARD-learned lesson.

"Hey, baby. Who's got no thumbs but 'two more' growing?"

"Plaque power!"

Meanwhile, at the ESPYs, everyone else in the sports world was doing their best to out-Fleshlight one another.

Though her style is derivative and her imagery generally pedestrian, Brittney nevertheless continues to receive top marks from all her professors thanks to her masterful stroke work.