Brian Cazeneuve: Bruce, dude, you'd better cool it with the criticism. You know what happens to journalists here. You're heading down a slippery slope.

You've been chosen to represent your country at the Winter Olympics in Sochi. But first, you have to take a hellacious dump. Choice: Do you flush the toilet paper? (go to page 2) Or: Do you place the toilet paper in the bin? (go to page 3)

someone had left an indeterminate amount of semen on the sheets of the second bed, and those sheets had been taken away for cleaning, and hadn't come back.

To be fair, Tom, it's not like Russian interior designers are in a position where they'll want to do their jobs too well.

Sidney Crosby would tell you it doesn't really matter what the rooms look like when you're just gonna be sitting in the dark completely motionless anyway.

"God damnit, Sergei - I was perfectly clear. I said race cars or X-Men! How fucking hard is—

I think I mentioned once or twice that I did stand-up comedy on the side as a kind of depressing hobby. Here's a video, so you can figure out if I'm any better at telling jokes in real life than I am online.

Whenever a woman has sat on my lap, I've certainly never felt as though I were being made less for it.

- Daddy, what do you do when you go to work?

Take it to another country. None of that here bro.

Packers have always had a way with young kids.

Weekend at Bernard Hopkins'

Except that the person who made the bracket was rooting for both Onion Dip and Queso. Loudly and often. SO YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE FIRED.

Baby Jesus is very pleased with this final.

17 rebounds? That's astounding. Take any 5 deadspin commenters and we ought to be able to get a dozen out of sheer dumb luck. Of course that would require us to leave our parents' basements for awhile, so never mind.

I was. From my couch.

• Relax!

• Please sit to use the toilet

Is that last one Nickelback doing Elton John?