"Every civilization has been built off the back of a disposable shark force…" *is suddenly mauled by sharks*

All of Next Weekend's Box Office Headlines:

Parents, if you want to introduce your children to Patrick Stewart via a 2017 film, do the right thing and just show them Logan.

I had some Zero Sugar last year visiting the UK. I didn't notice a difference, but at the same time, I wasn't aware it was a different formula (I just thought it was Zero being marketed differently to Europeans), so who knows how they match up in a head-to-head.

I like Coke Zero better than Diet Coke in can form, but I've found I prefer Diet Coke as a fountain/bottled soda. It's weird. I think the Diet Coke formula just mixes really badly with the can.

Less Than Coke Zero

If the fight scenes were what was selling you on the movie, this is absolutely worth a watch.

And then the end where you find out he was doing it with a mirror the whole time? Fucking hysterical.

Shut up, Beavis.

Without getting into spoiler territory, it's basically treated the same as your average opposite-sex spy movie relationship, and no one makes a big deal of Theron's sexuality. Make of that what you will.

I've seen it. If you like John Wick, you'll absolutely get your money's worth. Unfortunately, the emphasis on spy tropes makes it a bit less efficient of a thriller than Wick, but it's still a blast, Theron is awesome, and the fights are largely on the same level as JW, particularly the staircase fight.

I'm sure they wanted to rate it higher, but every critic has a point where they break.

Deathtime for Bonzo

"Now, he will die as the most hated, evil, corrupt, bigoted, and incompetent president in American history."

This Onion op-ed feels a lifetime away now…

And Jill Stein, Susan Sarandon, and every other hyper-left-wing fearmonger pseudo-idealist who convinced people 2016 was an inconsequential lose-lose election that wasn't worth getting invested in to boost their own brand.

Even if the Court rejects it, all Trump has to do is wait. The Tea Party/alt-right dystopia we've all been dreading will begin in earnest as soon as Kennedy retires and Trump picks his successor. At that point, transgender military service will be small potatoes after both Obergefell v. Hodges and Roe v. Wade are…

Sean Penn finally slips into theaters.

Le Grill? What the hell is that?!

If it's called From the Land of the Moon, shouldn't it be about whalers?