Let me take this time to say that Nacho Vigalondo is an awesome fucking name. I never thought I could be impressed by a name with "Nacho" in it, but I was wrong.

Government investigating corruption? Cut it out with these absurd fantasy stories, NBC!

"That wasn't the only… bit the director revealed[.]"

Yeah, I only knew it was him because someone told me beforehand, and I knew he was into mo-cap from working with Andy Serkis. I remember thinking "I wonder when he's gonna ask Fox to resurrect Koba for the next Apes movie?"

That's fair, though I tend to think of him as the lead in Warcraft due to him being the only one I can remember even appearing to give half a shit about being an actual character. Though maybe that's because he had the most screentime in the film before my mind atrophied and I couldn't think about anything other than…

Dangeresque 4: Venom, Baby

Yes, but back then it would have been Secret Agent Sally Field.

I know it's kind of unfair that Toby Kebbell keeps getting chances to be in big things when so many other actors/actresses are drummed out of Hollywood for far less, but I did feel bad for him getting big parts (as in, the kind of parts where producers could pin the blame on him) in a bunch of obvious flops and crap…

But enough about Armie Hammer.

An A minus-minus!

"But what about The Apprentice Martha Stewart and The New Celebrity Apprenti-"

The poor white people get an exemption if they can do amusing magic tricks. Police are required to wait and see if white people can entertain them adequately before shooting them.

We need more milk-plus mestos, dammit!

Gosling plays an aspiring musician, you say? I wonder how people will reinterpret his character as a cultural imperialist this time.

"No. I'm the big fat panda."

I quite enjoyed 1 & 3. 2 was meh. Didn't bother with Beauty Shop.

No one's slick as Gaston
No one's quick as Gaston
No one's neck's as incredibly thick as Gaston!

*Ralphie looks up in horror*
"C+?"

I always said the problem with Suicide Squad was not enough hollow, lifeless, multi-million dollar CGI creatures.

"Wait a tick. Basil. If I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967,
presumably, I could go back and visit my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the '90s and traveled back to oh no I've gone cross-eyed."