Now his celestial body is being torn apart by a pack of wolves dressed in bee costumes

I know right? I should be getting laid for science right now instead of ironing my work clothes for the rest of the week.

dude do you even iran

The Bible is yuge, Jesus Christ was terrific, He made great, great deals for His people.

Guess they didn’t follow the excellent advice John Scalzi retweeted...

Why aren’t the house centipedes that start showing up in my apartment every summer classified yet as a hate group? Those fuckers bite.

I like them so much I wear two.

You can’t grow a uterus back, dummy. They’re not arms.

America is living The Onion right now. Every single goddam bit of news is bizarre. I’m kind of wondering if The Onion has been a prophecy this whole time.

I have done months of inpatient and outpatient therapy in the past about military sexual assault over three years ago, and I was shopping for a therapist six months ago for other reasons completely unrelated to assault. When she asked me about assault history, I asked her if she knew what rape situations were like in…

I used to work at the Center for Medical Progress, and one time I heard my coworkers planning to frame Lee Harvey Oswald for the Kennedy Assassination.

That Pantone color would be perfect for my “Sexy Gumby” costume.

May his prostate swell to the size of a football, and start talking. Then he can argue with is doctors over whether or not he has the right to remove his gigantic sentient prostate.

I just shaved my pits this morning after not shaving them for a while. I now shave only occasionally in the summer, and almost never in the winter. Feeling like sweat is being trapped in my hair is what motivates me to occasionally shave. The only fashion/societal reason that I would shave is if I had to get very…

I’m pretty big (22) and I love swimming but I haven’t in years. Then a few weeks ago I decided, fuck it. My university has a brand new pool and I’m paying for it in my tuition and fees so I’m going to fucking use it. Best thing I ever did. I’ve found that “fuck it” is really the answer to everything.

Learning to value physical comfort over hiding “shameful” parts of my body was one of the most freeing things I ever did. I didn’t swim for years because I thought I was too fat to appear in a bathing suit, and figuring out that it didn’t fucking matter, that the world would not end if I didn’t shield it from my…

I think we have enough of these now to do March Madness bracket. Please.

This clearly flies in the face of everything that Maxxism stands for. Hell you might as well just go to Lenins & things.

“Damn it Jerry, you told us you knew how to use iMovie!”