You got me... I'm Tonga-tied

51 if you count the tiny island nation of Tonga.

I think that’s all fair, and I didn’t mean to imply he has done nothing positive. But I don’t think we should give him a “pass” on the areas in which he has fallen short - which are many.

I like him okay. I was excited when he won (both times) and like some of what he has done. Some things are unforgivable though. He continues to be ok with the government illegally spying on us. He orders drone strikes to assassinate people who are not proven to have done anything, including a U.S. citizen. And he has…

What bugs me most about my wife is that she is alive whereas I am dead. While she waltzes of to zumba classes, a high-paying job in the big city, and cocktails with fancy friends, I lie festering and decomposing beneath the soil. It's all to much for me to bear. I can't wait to become a zombie so I can eat her brain…

Sweet kousin kokaine lay your kool kool hand on my head

If you had sexed my father / i sort of wished I had / and videotaped it on a videotape camera / or whatever the fuck they’re called

So much for “don’t be evil.” The slogan appears to have transmuted into, “don’t be courageous.”

I tried this coffee once at the urging of someone who shall remain nameless (my wife Cassie). It was like an enema for the mouth. And not in a homeopathic, cleansing way.

The yin-yang facial hair is crucial if you’re trying to sex up two different ladies at the same time, identical twins or whatever, you just have to remember whose butt you are eating out at each moment. Also think of the money he saves by buying half-used cans of Barbasol.

We give the world Allison Williams, and the French give us this crap? I call bullmerd!

How do we know you didn't inappropriately seek to influence your own opinion? Drinks, sex, verbal abuse, that sort of thing?

I can’t confirm he’s a feminist until I see his shaggly-bedraggly underarms.

“Katherine’s love for animals resembles a contagion.”

A uterus on Uranus, even...

Is it just me, or is there something a bit frightening about his head?

Warning to strippers and/or hookers planning to attend: LeSean is an extremely poor tipper.

I know what you mean, and yet in terms of superficial optics “vanity sexcapades” SOUNDS like a hell of a lot more fun than “relationships.”

Option #3: The “Sta-Cruise” — Stay at home, eat something rancid that will give you food poisoning, and splash raw sewage on the walls.

I gained about 15 pounds after my wife had twins, but I think it was because I ate the babies.