“And all the donuts have names that sound like prostitutes.” - Tom Waits

This video looks exactly like my life, minus the hemorrhoids and panic attacks.

I’m holding up better than his sweatpants, evidently.

Your point about Paul wearing a shirt with his own moronic nickname is well taken. What’s worse, though, is that LeBron has a tattoo of one of his LeBron tattoos tattooed directly onto one of his LeBron tattoos. That shit is straight-up corny for days.

I blame the bathrobe.

McNabb has truly puked in the huddle of life.

And yet, you clearly read it.

Confirms my theory that “someone’s doing the raping.”

I shudder to think of all the vile, disgusting thoughts he’s not having at this exact moment. It literally makes me squirm inside the jeans of my brain.

I killed Amy Winehouse, with my arch indifference. I had to, though, so she could be recreated and then murdered in the film.

So a leper and a leprechaun go to a baseball game... no wait there’s a Scotsman too... anyway the punchline is, “You’ve got 4 balls... walk with pride, man, walk with pride!”

Originally he was going to call it “Shavitz’s Schmear,” but he feared people would spread it on toast. Also his beard at one time housed in excess of 3,500 hornets. It’s all in the documentary, folks. Don't sleep on that shit.

Of course the police went after a black handgun. Fucken cops.

Still, think of the bundle he saved on the van rental... a Penske would have run at least $24.50!

Multi-ball only works in games like pinball and sexytime. Although, to be fair, it might render soccer less of a snooze.

I blame Bob Dylan.

I pray the lord my soul to take / I could die for a slice of lesbian cake

Serena Williams is amazing. She won her first major in 1999. Sixteen years ago! And now she's making a run at a grand slam. It's hard to think of too many athletes who have remained so dominant for so long. Tim Duncan? Kareem Abdul-Jabbar? Peyton Manning? Babe Ruth?

Seems clear enough from the photos: David dresses in all white, Drake dresses in all black. The rest of us just hang around in the grey.

This is so distressing. Thank you for writing it. Not that I advocate the torching of CVS, but honestly you can’t walk half a block without tripping over a CVS or Walgreens. And it’s not like they’re a fixture of communities - they thrive by driving small, independent drug stores out of business.