Stop using them. Just sit on the goddamn toilet.

These people, if they have children, have nannies to get their kids ready. For those of us with little kids and no nannies, the “morning routine” is either taken up with begging a child to get out of bed or being woken up before dawn by a child you want to sleep in for fucking once.  Then it’s lots of crying and…

I see what you did there.

And unfortunately, we don't get the alien rescue the other Styx promised us.

Hell, Trump is probably going to ask the Saudis for advice on how he can implement something similar in the US. 

I bet he’s had it with all these unauthorized animals on these planes. But with more yelling and profanity.

Strange little girls in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government!

Her name is Saga? Holy shit... Ragnarok, here we come.

I wish more people understood what “decimate” actually means. It’s one of the most misused words.

No, not hell. Welcome to Waterworld! Jalopnik needs a sub site called BoatyMcBoatFaceNik.

Should’ve told that to Trump senior.

Is it just me or does “Border Patrol Officer” sound like the perfect cover job for serial killers, rapists and child molesters? Loners out in the wild attacking vulnerable, nearly untraceable people. <shiver>

But I thought officers were angels on earth that do no wrong. That’s what Sean Hannity told me.

Waits claimed that his borderline terrifying song “Hoist that Rag” off Real Gone is a “political” song & I have always felt it is anti-Gulf War, though the lyrics are somewhat hard to parse

Tom Waits is one of my absolute favorite artists of all time. Like I needed more reason to worship this guy.

Hinkie is the man we need to flip the script when it comes to reading. Shift the paradigm. Break the mold. Think outside the box. Gleam the cube. Hold the mayo. Defrag the humperdink.

Pounding lessons home?  He’s talking about romance novels, isn’t he.

“I’ve always liked the Irish people. Tremendous people. I’ve always said perhaps they should be guarding my money - many people know they’re good at guarding money - but my driver never reached the end of the rainbow. Rainbows used to be - and many people are saying this - rainbows used to be a proud Irish money…

My best friend got married for the first time last week, and he’s over 40. He had no desire to do the stripper thing, so his bachelor party was an escape room followed by a murder mystery dinner party. (Oh and lots of scotch) It was a blast.