There’s a GIANT difference: if you’re in prison, you can still have hope.

So where does Manziel end up? My guess is either the penitenary or the Cleveland Browns.

In Ohio, this is the other way around.

“Team Trades Away Bad Contract Acquired by Ex-Personnel Manager”

Considering the front office shuffling Cleveland goes through every season, they might just be waiting for an opening to appoint Manziel VP of Player Development.

My joke about “dog” containing the same letters as “god” is not actual legal advice.

That assumes they haven’t had a discussion about it. If there’s already an “understanding” that a marriage proposal will be accepted and you think she would enjoy a surprise proposal at a basketball game, then do it.

Bad news for the car owner. Unless your insurance provider is dyslexic, your policy rarely covers “Acts of Dog.”

Schilling likes Carson’s strong stance in favor of quoting shitty Facebook chain posts.

ELSTON HOWARD: Tell me about it.

It’s funny that while we’re all suppose to be accountable to the law, it’s always the H.R. Blades of the world who are the ones bound to pay back when they’re in the wrong, but Dan Snyder can do fuck all he pleases when he’s in the wrong.

Oh, it’s not funny. It’s just that Snyder has the money to sue people when he’s…

ROB RYAN: Excuse me, but I set the all-time record for laying pipe in a porta-potty outside Wilson stadium just a week ago.

Take it from a Cubs fan: this is Dusty in mid-season form. Feel the excitment, Washington!

*Big Rock Candy Mountain starts playing*
JIM ROSS: My Gawd! That’s Jim Tomsula’s music!

the best sports announcers in America work for our Spanish-language networks.

David Oritz spoke out for his teammate, “What’s the big deal? I haven’t weighed that little since middle school.”

I literally went to a private Catholic school in the suburbs.

I have a hard time imagining anyone could possibly care this much about a joke a random person made on the internet, but I would guessimate the most likely reason is that you took it personally. If you, in fact, AREN’T some suburbs kid, I’m sure all suburban kids love you for defending their honor.

I’m sure you saw some crazy stuff at your private Catholic high school.

Illinois State’s Attorney Julia Reitz said, “He has no prior criminal offenses, so he could be eligible for diversion programs.”