Less articles on chicken burgers would be fabulous. You are aware that other meats exist, yes? Stop being basic, start being imaginative.

God, I’ve heard about BBC catering.  I’d gladly snaffle up as much free soup and cold cuts if they offered it to me.  

For Your Eyes Only? Oh, darling, darling, no. Us Scots can’t listen to that song or watch that film without cringing remembering Sheena Easton warbling about a commuter train. Get thee to a nunnery! I bet you’ve even got a teal jumpsuit, you filthpot...

They’re probably thinking of those days when their tweenage loins pulsated forth at the sight of him in that godawful and forgettable series of films about the whiny Korean chick.  

Grand. Now, lock that fucker away until sunlight becomes a fucking memory.

Sorry, bubs, but goat cheese rolled in shit is already something fairly fucking ancient served up here in Scotland. It’s called Caboc, and it’s divine. It’s literally just a log of goats cheese rolled in toasted pinwheel oatmeal (my favourite kind for making cranachan too, I hasten to add, but that’s a four-ingredient…

It - I refuse to call it “he” - is saying that it believes this “furore” will blow over and it’ll be back, same bat-time, same bat-channel, writing up shit about people and things for outrage points.

*files claws*

Luke.  My poor, deluded, frankly baked-as-a-hippy Luke...if you’re going to scaremonger, at least do it with some fucking figures to back your crap up.  Jesus Christ, kid.  And your parents paid for you to go to college?  Hope they kept the receipt...

I’m British.  Sarcasm is our second national past-time.

My Grandmother will always prefer to use canned fish when she’s making fishcakes. If she can’t get her preferred canned fish (usually salmon), she’ll head for the Arbroath Smokies and use them. Cheap fish is just as good as shelling out on the expensive shit. Now, recipe time! This is from the excellent Ministry of…

I want the boots.  Give me those boots.  

*files claws*

Here’s hoping you can crowdfund the medication you need to live!

Kylie’s intellectually poor.  We should feel sorry for the Jezebel’s latest Interchangeable Emma but it’s far easier to roll our eyes and move on.

The Channel Islands are...unusual in terms of “being British”. They’re not part of the United Kingdom and they’re not British Overseas Territories. They’re what is known as “Crown Dependencies” (there are three - the Isle of Man, the Bailiwick of Guernsey and the Bailiwick of Jersey - the two Bailiwicks are what make…

Unless the tubby inbred waddlers of the Midwest are suddenly going to stop putting cream and garlic in their carbonara (doubtful. You whores think jelly and cream is an essential part of a “salad”. No wonder you’re such fat sluts) then you’ll be eating Italian-American fast food.

The aliens motivations are a bit clearer at the end of this: they’re not flexing their technological muscles, but they are taking on an elder sibling role as far as humanity is concerned. To be quite honest, I’ve always liked that idea in science fiction - that humanity needs a bitchslap and then for an older, wiser…

Ah, the after-effects of the Taco Hell European offensive. As in “You came with Taco Bell, we took offence, we bitchslapped Apple and told them to incorporate USB-C or else...”

The best - and in my opinion, only - way to eat a stroopwafel is to get a basic mug of coffee, and carefully place your entire stroopwafel over the coffee and let it sit for a minute or two.