Yeah, I forgot about Come Fly With Me. I knew he’d written some other shit but I couldn’t put a name to the show. Just “that unfunny one with the racial stereotypes and prosthetics” and I thought fuck, which one?

Okay, so you lot over there won’t know much about Lucas and his telly history - but put it this way: when he was announced as the host of GBBO, a lot of people were, well, sort of revolted by the decision. He’s more well-known for being part of the “comedy” duo that created Little Britain (one of the less-illustrious…

I’ll sharpen her blades for her.  Need to try out my new whetstone.  

Sidecars are one of the cocktails in my Grandmother’s arsenal, along with the White Lady, Vesper, a good old-fashioned G&T (preferably 90% gin and 10% tonic) and the absolutely fucking terrifying Aunt Roberta. What makes her terrifying? Aunt Roberta has no non-alcoholic mixers. Yeah. Yeah.

So...it’s a Hot Toddy.  Whisky, honey, lemon, maybe a pinch of spices and served hot.  Often given to children here in Scotland to knock the wee fuckers out when it’s time for them to go to bed when they’re poorly.

Doesn’t it?!  It reminds me of the picture my nephew sent me when he was at primary school showing me the “pizza slice” he got for his lunch.  It’s not so much pizza, more like “cretin’s idea of what pizza should look like”.

There’s more chance of you getting socialised healthcare than Boxing Day off as a holibags, mate.

Jackie Brown is the only Tarantino film that I’ll watch again and again. I’ve always thought the money exchange scene in the mall was excellent - its made even more excellent when someone stitches the various POVs together. Grier is a fabulous actress and, to be honest, this shows her skill. The whole cast were…

So there I was, happily munching the Food of the Gods - aka a roll and square sausage and tattie scone - when I thought “let’s have a look at Chili’s, because your mate Charlotte, aka The Atlanta Refugee, once said that Chili’s is like an urban version of Cracker Barrel”. Whilst Cracker Barrel has its...charms (stop…

Tsk, you should know better, Eric:  Basics don’t say “handmade” these days.  They call it “artisan” or “gourmet” (without knowing what either of those truly mean which adds a whole layer of grotesquery to the pantomime)

Angourie Rice is bloody adorable. It has to be said: she’s bloody snugglesomely adorable.  Also, she’s named after the town where her grandmother came from.  

*fetches Kylie Jenner’s herpes-laden Beauty Blender*

Why do you people eat like your healthcare’s free? Eat a bloody salad. Hell, if you’re that allergic to healthy food make it a fruit salad. Let Mr Cardy tell you how:

Lauren, you nong. All your thirty-something friend needs is alcohol and a moment away from the fucking idiotic TikTwat and Instaprozzie crowd.

Just a wee reminder for you all that the Saudis have sentenced innocent people to death for not vacating their homes if they live in the path of this massive dick-waggling vanity project.

But how will this affect the unheard-of-outside-of-the-shitehole-known-as-the-mid-west Italian Beef, Dennis?

Oh no, dear, I’m not a Paper Scot. I’m born-and-bred Glaswegian (you know, the “scary” Scottish people, even though I’ve been told that I sound like James McAvoy and Peter Capaldi - only one of those is from my neck of the woods) and not some idiot who spat in a test-tube and now claims to be descended from Mary Queen…

I’d bitchslap them first with a tray until they stop moving before ordering your meal though.  You don’t want to risk having them breed.

In my family we tend to not make a big deal about Christmas Day or Boxing Day. Yes, there’s a big meal. Yes, we give presents. But we don’t force people to be jolly and spend time with people who we can’t fucking stand the other 364 days of the year, no sir.

So, Cheung:  which female sleb do you know has a surprisingly roomy vaj?  Anyone out there who can crush a watermelon betwix their labia?  Don’t be a basic bitch and be all coy now, sugarbuns.