Not really germane to the story, but I simply don’t trust male tennis players.

Blake Bortles promptly reeled off five service errors.

That’s... no. Uh-uh. I can’t.

Completely randomly, I saw her at a nail salon in 2006 with my best friend and I recognized her only by the terrible arm band tattoo she has. My friend and I were like, why do we know that tattoo??? And then we figured out it was the singer of one of our favorite coming of age sexy tunes! When she left, we asked the…

That’s a sandwich.

Wait, so why is this news? Can we not tear up every other song on the radio right now? Gotta go back a year and make sure it is a country song?

If it were full of student camera operators or rape victims Notre Dame wouldn’t care

My response “Don’t bring your fucking kid to a brewery on a Friday night.”

If you are letting your child “wander around with other kids” then you really are doing the opposite of making sure she doesn’t bother anyone. If your kid can’t sit at the table with a coloring book you bring or some other quiet distraction, and is instead roaming the space with a pack of other kids, that is both…

..the thought of masturbating children in the White House was out of our minds..

Right? Like, I’m not going to come to your kid’s daycare and get shitfaced drunk, pick a fight with the teacher, and pass out and shit myself in the toy room. The courts won’t let me anymore.

Da fuq is a well behaved kid?

No. We can have ONE fucking place where you goddamn new age parents don’t bring your fucking snot machines and breastfeed them in the open at age 3. Your kid is not cool, and nobody at a brewery wants to hang out with them. Get a babysitter. If you can’t afford one, maybe you should be buying food for your kid instead…

In the immortal words of Adam Corolla, taking a shit is like “soft-serve going through a dwarve’s beard”

“A Jesuit priest developed the Big Bang Theory.”

You have to remember to ‘pay your taxes’ while day drinking once you hit your 30's. One glass of water per alcoholic beverage goes a long way.

Drinking all day then drinking into the night without a nap is how a cocaine habit is developed.

Day drinking is fine if you build in a nap. Day drinking straight into night drinking means at some point your brain DVR will stop recording.

It took me a whole 3 seconds to adapt to the new Twitter design.

Plot twist: