That is my 9-year-old's plan.

Doesn't that explain the invitation?

We are driving from the east coast to the Grand Canyon this summer (a la the Griswolds), and I will be damned if I don't come back with a good food story.

It reminds me of when Elmo became the face of all things Sesame Street. There were so many other options but they picked one that sucked.

You should find the Key and Peele aerobics competition skit. (Because I'm too lazy to do it for you.)

Is that Paul Rudd doing the kicks? Is there anything he can't do?

If that's what it takes to get Stephen Amell's attention, I'm on it.

I have no pictures of my family in the church because my sister-in-law had to run home to walk the dog. The dog died like a week later because she left a box of chocolate on the dining room table and he ate it. This is after she stalled the wedding by coming back to us to get the wedding rings from my nephew, the…

He's watching his carbs!

At Chipotle on Saturday afternoon, I was behind a woman about my age (mid-forties) who was telling her lunch companion. "I'm going to order Satan. I just LOVE Satan!" I really hope she was talking about seitan. (My teenage son had to put down his bag and walk out into the food court to regain his composure.)

i was born in 1970 to a hippie and a former mob wife. My mom was always the sexy mom: dark tan, long nails, bikinis and halter tops. You get the idea. I wanted to be sexy just like my mom. (please note that I take after my hippie dad in every way, down to the curly ginger hair and freckles.) My mom also smoked like a…

Our Tandy in 7th grade World Geography class that had a cassette drive (regular-looking audio tapes), not even a hard drive. I remember it being a super big deal and costing the school thousands of dollars.

Yesssss! We had it set up in our dining room with our dot matrix printer. My bedroom was above the dining room and I fell asleep many nights during high school listening to the printer churning out reports that I had due the next day. I remember running downstairs in the middle of the night because I didn't hear…

Monster High!

really looking forward to menopause because perimenopause is just about killing me and possibly my husband.

She is just being obtuse.

thieves wrecked my ignition before they realized they couldn't drive stick and left the car half out of the driveway. 1991 Honda CRX si. I miss that car. (Sold it to my little sisters boyfriend.)

Cause nothing says "high fashion" and "sexy" like surgical scars.

Ugggggggggghhhhhhhhh.... No.