I left my kids (11 and 9) in the car on a cool autumn day in New Jersey. The windows were cracked. They could unlock the doors. They had been reading on the drive and didn't want to put down their books to run into Walmart with me to pick up wrapping paper. In the 5 minutes I was gone, someone had called the cops on…

I'm with him.

About a billion years ago, I was dating a guy who joined the Navy. Signed up the morning of the day we met. During our time together, I became really close with his family. When he left, I moved in with his brother, the brither's wife and son. My bedroom was at the other end of the house and I had my own bathroom…

It's not like it's vodka, which goes bad once it's opened.

Actually, he got so sick the day after the wedding we had to postpone our honeymoon by a couple of days. My first days of married life consisted of room service and pay-per-view movies, but not in a good way. Made a helluva dent in the thank you notes.

Paraphrasing Billy Connelly's description of himself as a "pale blue Scottish person".

I could have worn the hell out of this dress on my wedding day. With my red hair and light blue Irish groom... Mwah!

Practicing Catholic here... One of our eucharistic ministers nursed her newborn in the front pew during the homily this week. No lightening bolts, no pearls clutched, no fire and brimstone. Small Catholic win. (We needed one this week.)

My day will not be complete until I get to call someone a "greasy-haired shitweasel". I cannot thank you enough.

Meth lab inspired by Breaking Bad. Do you have any idea how expensive it is to throw a wedding???

According to my dr. my pregnancy at 35 was a "geriatric pregnancy".

heaven doesn't want 'em and Hell is afraid they'll take over.

More surly than spry, but I guess so. Completely pickled, too, which might also be contributing to her longevity.

Yay! I am going to live longer!

Brother-in-law and sister-in-law.

This is adding to my anxiety about the 20 hour car trip my 9-year-old is making on Saturday-Sunday with my childless in-laws. Gulp.

"Also, Timon is just constantly sticking his entire forearm into Pumbaa's nostril."

My son asked me once what girls had instead of testicles. Keeping it clinical, I replied, "Ovaries". He gave me a weird look. "I thought that was a name for the fancy socks that ladies wear." My turn for the confused look. "No, sweetie. That's 'hosiery'."

"Watch me pull a rabbit out of my..." AAAAAAAGGGGHHH!

His penis was hanging out through the little flap.