I’m horrified to realize that this was my childhood, commercial breaks on the Mary Tyler Moore show.

Lol, go fuck yourself.

+1 for “Dixie hobgoblin.”

Lol. As if he’s been with a woman.

“This is a fucking league game...this determines who advances to the next round robin...am I fucking wrong?”

I’ve been watching baseball for 40 years. His run around the bases the other day did not look “extra long” at all. There was no point where he slowed to a walk, even at the end. People need to fucking chill the fuck out about over-reading this shit.

Grow the fuck up. You don’t headhunt a guy for being appropriately pleased about accomplishing something. You get better at fucking pitching.

“I get being annoyed or even angry at being spoiled, I really do.” Well, then, you’re a fucking adult child who needs his meat cut up for him. Your brain didn’t develop into the metaphor stage yet, and we can eliminate any possibility of your making an intellectual contribution to Western civilization. If you can’t…

You’re stupid is why. If you read Macbeth or Hamlet for the plot, education is fucking wasted on you, you miserable dumbass. Enough of your childish bullshit and grow the fuck up.

Did you watch the fucking shows anyway, or skip them? Walter White die at the end of Breaking Bad — does that negate the entire journey he makes from the dude at Episode 1 to the dude at the end? You’re a moron.

TL/DR; you’re an idiot who needs to be taken care of in a home, apparently. Did you discover that humans die yet? You know Jesus dies on the cross, right? Does that spoil the New Testament?

Dude, most people are not terrified of not having perpetual secrets to discover. The world is full OF SHIT THAT ALREADY HAPPENED. Anne Frank died in Auschwitz — so you don’t need to read her diary now, right? Did you know Germany loses WWI?!?!?! You can throw “All Quiet on the Western Front” into the trash now,…

If your enjoyment comes solely from wondering, with bated breath, what happens next, you’re an idiot. ACHILLES RETURNS HECTOR’S BODY — there, no there’s no reason whatever to read the Iliad, right? Natasha marries Pierre — you can skip War and Peace now, right? Anna Karenina jumps in front of a train — the rest of the…

And if kids are reading the internet willy nilly, I think they know the secrets of shit by now. They probably TRY TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED, in fact. God, unclutch your pearls, ma’am.

Fuck you. Kids like reading books over and over and over, so there goes your theory. There is no Santa Claus, by the way.

Dude, why don’t you go around with a blindfold on, hands over your ears, saying “lalalalala” so life won’t be ruined for you? What are you, fucking five years old? If the only reason you read/watch anything is for the plot, it’s already wasted on you. VADER IS LUKE’S FATHER, ASSHOLE.

Hahaha. Go fuck yourself. By the way, Pierre marries Natasha and Napoleon retreats from Moscow at the end of War and Peace. So you can skip that now, right?

It’s time to start taking personal responsibility, people. We as a society can’t be paying for your mistakes. Self-inflicted gunshot wound? Oh, that’s covered.

TL/DR; this dude got sick — that means he didn’t deserve health care in the first place. Why is this so hard for you to grasp?

If you lost the genetic lottery, obviously God hates you. Also, losing lotteries makes you poor. And God hates the poor. You are the Cain of our times.