You're just saying that so no one will suspect the bearnado you're planning.

As a person who has had CPS called on me by an abusive POS relative who I refused to allow my infant son to know (for obvious reasons) - go fuck yourself asshole. CPS isn't there for you to deal with a problematic living situation that happens to involve a child and a bitchy ex.

"There really isn't much to know about me. I mean, look at me."

This line killed me.

Oh, fuck it. I'm going to see it. White wine in my Nalgene bottle, probably a pb&j too, tons of fucking candy and I'm going to love every corny/hot/weird moment of it.

That Fifty Shades gif in the beginning:

It's okay, Dove will make a commercial about how we need to love ourselves despite the elbow fat.

Pasta mixed with ice cream: a classic comfort food.

"Ugh, I have to watch what I'm eating; it's three-quarters sleeves season and my weight always goes right to my elbows."

Jason, sweetie, you will never not be stupid.

Tim, you didn't even need to give that much of an apology. It's great that you wanted to be considerate and express some regret, but I hope you weren't pressured to do it. You weren't out of line.

10/10, would run Legend of the Hidden Temple with

circumcision is when a dick is filed down into a point, yes.

Oh for crying out loud- can people please stop acting like straight men liking ass play is weird? It's 2014... about time for pop culture to become a little more open minded.

"If you had just gone to college ..."

Oh, FUCK YOU, lady. Fuck you so hard. Meanwhile Ellie Moore, you and I are BFF's now. It is decided.

The only time anyone ever dared to make a remark like this to me, I was working at Eddie Bauer on a morning shift. Some lady took umbrage to my (corporate mandated), "Wool socks are…

On a late summer/early fall evening, I was getting ready for bed in my dorm room in Australia, where I was studying abroad.

Anyone else see the resemblance?

Does it ever occur to these asshole fathers that the only reason they are afraid of their daughters dating is because they treated women so fucking horribly until they met the one they decided to marry/procreate with? Why doesn't anyone ever discuss the desire to teach their sons how to treat women like human fucking…

Superbly written piece, Ms. Knox.

You heard it from a coworker? Was he coaching you? I need help sometimes as well, my last girlfriend is blind.