My handshake is pretty weak if you want to measure strength, i don’t put much strength into it, because, why would I want to try and crush someone’s hand to say hello??

I always screw up handshakes. I hesitate at the last minute, knowing how “telling” a man’s handshake is and all that crap. My signature is also different each time, same reason.

The thing is, dairy is the one kind of food that they can make into a low-fat version without adding a fuck ton of preservatives and sugar and other shit to make up for it. So if you’re trying to watch your calories, the “light” dairy products aren’t so bad.

Cool, but like, “healthy” is kind of a meaningless term anyway, right? What’s measurable about “healthy”? Is it low in sugar, fat, salt, some other elements? Does it have to include particular vitamins? “Nutritious” I would maybe accept, but “healthy” is not really a helpful measuring tool for evaluating food.

Popcorn is fine. Popcorn covered in salt and butter, not fine.

That makes sense. I wondered why an editor or someone didn’t...go over a few things with her.

Patronizing? Offensive? You must not have read the part about how every time she feels out of place at a Hollywood party, she “tr[ies] to remember a smiling gap-toothed child with HIV whose greatest joy was to sit on [her] lap and drink from a bottle of Coca-Cola.” I think you owe someone an apology.

I traveled to Europe in 1993 — at the very same time as the Balkan Wars! I was in the middle of it, in France, Germany and the Netherlands, a major player in that epic struggle for freedom. If the Serbs had found me, in Paris, they would have surely paraded my head on a spike down the streets of, I dunno, Lyon? The…

Atrocious.

Every time I’ve read “angel hair” I’ve thought “pasta”.

In tribute to Ms. Linton, I am also announcing my new memoir, recounting the time I sailed up the Congo River to search for a mysterious ivory trader named Kurtz.

Right? And like ABC is going to piss off Shonda. She’s making bank for them.

Speaking as a middle-aged white person, I find tears from middle-aged white people complaining about reverse-racism really goddamn tedious and infuriating.

Starting a petition to get Jesse Williams to my house. FOR REASONS. (Sexy reasons!)

Right? I laughed at her “who says I’m white? Who says I support Trump?” Girl, I think it’s a pretty fair bet.

The most hilarious part of all this is that it’s like these Grey’s Anatomy fans don’t even know who Shonda Rhimes is. Like is Shonda really gonna fire Jesse Williams for speaking out about social justice?? That’s about as likely as Donald Trump saying something intelligent. Ain’t gonna happen.

Sorry, Cruel Intentions Makers, but you can’t call this the sequel. Some of us remain who recall Manchester Prep. You can’t vaporise all of us.

George Clooney being awkward around kids sounds about right. I wonder how he’s managed to stay friends with Brad and his kindergarten class.

I mean, remember that the Dog isn’t a vegetarian, and needs to eat meat.

And also there’s not a fucking reason in the world that peanut butter needs xylitol. I swear the executives of american “food” companies should be strung the fuck up.