I don’t expect my partner - or any adult - to have the traits of a child. I don’t demonise people who cheat, I just think they suck and want nothing to do with them. Having been on the receiving end of someone who was a big cheater and knowing a number of people who have either been through it or had their family…

The thing is that in longterm relationships sex, as you say, waxes and wanes. When I met my ex the sex was off the charts. I’m talking anytime, anywhere, until I thought my vagina was going to weep. But that kind of passion isn’t really sustainable. Things settle down and it takes some imagination to keep things hot…

Yep, one designed to keep her coming back for more. She needs to cut and run because this dude is playing head games.

Baloney. The person who ended the relationship is the one who cheated, because if they’re aware that their partner expects fidelity and they go ahead and break that agreement they know that it can blow up the whole thing. It is their choice to do that.

Why do they always think they have the magical pussy that will cure the committed cheater? My ex has one of those women in his life - she even goes as far as to tell my kids that their love is ‘real’ (as opposed to the love he and I supposedly shared for a couple of decades or something) and he would never cheat on…

It’s hard to own your shit? For whom? A grown adult knows how to own their shit and understands that that is how one deals with mistakes. People with the mindset of an entitled teenager blame others for their actions and choices.

It’s not demonising to say it’s not acceptable to you. I don’t deal in cheaters either because I’ve seen the destruction wrought by them, and not just in my own life. It’s a weak way of dealing with life problems and it’s a shitty way to treat another person, so for me it comes down to character.

That your husband owned up to it rather than you finding out is key here. Most cheaters keep it quiet and only deal with things if IF they get caught. And when they get caught they often blame the spouse for being lacking in some way.

So you’re marrying your affair partner?

Well, as far as children they’re not fully formed and part of growing up is learning that your actions define who you are, so I don’t see that as a fair comparison. An adult understands that your actions say a lot about who you are. And the mythical ‘brief lapse of judgement’ - I side eye that because rare is the…

In hindsight yes, I would, depending on what it was. Cheating isn’t a small thing for a lot of people. When I look back at my marriage and see the other little ways my ex toyed with my trust and how I made excuses or didn’t think any of it was such a big deal (we can get through this!) I realise that it was part of…

I do love the old ‘it just happened’. Well, no. To conduct an affair means making deliberate decisions every step of the way, all of which mean being deceitful. One of the worst parts of cheating is how the cheater often demonises the clueless partner in order to justify why they ‘have’ to cheat (partner is not giving…

If there is self-reflection and some work done on yourself I can see that the pattern can be broken. I think the reason ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ tends to hold true is that most cheaters don’t take responsibility. They blame the other person, saying it’s somehow the partners fault that they cheated.

Neither have I. A good example is a woman I know who cheated during her marriage. It ended at one point, although she continued to stay in touch with the affair partner. During the following three years her resentment of her husband grew and going to their house was an exercise in dealing with unbelievable passive…

Yep, it’s the deception. Not knowing what is going on in your own life is a mindfuck. And discovering it made me divorce. No going back from that. Also, the idea that he would expose me to disease and did not give one shit about how this impacted not just me but our kids was it for me.

I’m an old as well and agree with you 100%. They blame shift like mad and the person being cheated on often goes along with the gas lighting and takes on the blame. They start to think that if only they did or do X, Y, or Z (or all three) then it wouldn’t have happened and it won’t happen again.

What was the result? Was he cheating?

Fair enough. But she did get back with him and the focus was about him, his cheating, he ‘fear of intimacy’ - an excuse as old as the hills. Let’s be honest, the dude wanted to cheat so he did. If he’s such a man-child that after four years his way of dealing with his fear of commitment is to go out and bone someone…

Does any girl stick around after her partner bones someone else when the relationship was exclusive, cool or not? The guy in this story is a hotbed of red flags, and he can talk about root causes all he wants but basically he’s making it about him. ‘I fear intimacy!’ ‘I am scared!’ ‘Help me!’

I don’t think you need to ‘understand’ because in doing that you’re trying to figure out if there is something YOU could have done to stop it from happening. It’s also keeping you mentally attached to that person, which is not a great idea as they are someone who hurt you.