I mean this in the best possible way, but yeah, you are sounding like an asshole.

Tell that to Steve Irwin

As much as I appreciate getting the names right, the joke loses everything when you order them like that.

If you think I don’t understand poker, I challenge you to a 5-hand tournament in fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada at the Palace Station Hotel and Casino so I can get 5 straight 21's, then eat a delicious seafood dinner and then go right to my hotel room where I can bathe in bathtub full of your bitter tears and get a decent…

Not even close...

It wasn’t as much cheating as it was trying to eat the roulette ball.

+2 legit

Fun fact: “The Touching is, To Me, Off Limits,” was the original title of MC Hammer’s 1990 breakthrough single. 

Surprised law enforcement didn’t catch on sooner; they’ve got a neon sign out front advertising their services. 

Agree 100% on the white women vote. Democrats made a terrible assumption that they would “come through” - and they didn’t.

No concrete clue, but maybe it’s:

Ah yes, all of those croissants I have lying around. 

Adding insult to her injury were the drinks she had to buy everyone. 

Unfortunate that she was standing so close, but of course hindsight is 20.

Went to the golf course with two fully functioning eyes.  Ended up with a hole in one.

Mencia is waiting for someone else’s endorsement so he can steal it.

I thought it was weird right after Lee’s pick-6 when Stafford ran over to the ref and started shouting, “I have a daughter!”

not the kind of article about destructive Jets I expected to see today, but cool nevertheless

He was triple out. Forced, tagged, left the baseline. Only thing left is to be on the cover of Out magazine next month.