What martial art does your awesome Professional Bacon Critic friend do? I want to make him a Create-A-Character in the UFC game, start a 2-player game, and beat the shit out of him while Joe Rogan screams about Datura.

When he called himself a Professional Bacon Critic, bought a bacon lunchbox, and put on a fedora with galoshes. That part.

Well it is kind of impossible to say you are a Professional Bacon Critic while simultaneously insisting that, no, this is not a gimmick, and no, Hormel did not kidnap my family and hide them in an abandoned Circuit City in northeastern Ohio, but it is nonetheless a real title a real human being who, let me stress,…

To quote Master Bacon Critic Who Dresses Like Qaddaffi Fucked A Dexter Villain: "I just want my kids back."

I did BJJ and Muay Thai for eight years. I passed Eddio Bravo's Lockdown half-guard with the same Tripod Pass Leo Veira used against him in Abu Dhabi. Afterwards, Eddie, ever the gentleman, high-fived me and said I had some "serious skills."

Was his family kidnapped and hidden in an abandoned Circuit City in Ohio?

This isn't thinly disguised.

In that second photo he looks like Muammar Qaddafi humped the final boss of Dexter in some progressive European country that can't stop gloating about its street cars.

Wear you wearing galoshes?

Why is that fucking Bacon Douchebag Whose Family Was Kidnapped dressed like that? The more I look at his outfit the less sense it makes. He's got a cremé suit, Punchable Fedora, aviators, and….galoshes? Why is he wearing galoshes? Who put them on him? Did he dress himself or did some professional photographer say "You…

Hey AV Club, are you noticing that this whole Sponsored Content Thing is not, how do you say it, "resonating" with your "key content consumers" and is "savagely destroying all of your credibility with virtually no benefit"?

I had some bacon the other day. Five strips. I microwaved it for four minutes, ate it, said "that was a nice snack" and moved on with my fucking life.

You know how Red Letter Media is always joking about turning into Sellout Hack Frauds? The AV Club now consists solely of Sellout Hack Frauds.

CONTENT AND ADVERTISEMENT ARE INDISTINGUISHABLE:

CONTENT CONTINUES BELOW ADVERTISEMENT:

"Go on. Do it motherfucker. Point out the discrepencies between the mental image of dorky high schoolers playing with 16mm film in their darkroom and suddenly performing advanced cooking techniques next to the stop bath. I double-dog dare you you son of a bitch."

Hormel tosses Professional Bacon Critic polaroids of his wife and daughter bound and gagged in what appears to be a shuttered Circuit City in Ohio:

WHAT IF WE PUT BACON IN A PRODUCT NOT TRADITIONALLY ASSOCIATED WITH BACON

The other day I was at work ranting at my boss about how Jared Leto's Joker was the worst thing to come out of a human brain that didn't involve Dexter, and I was really on a roll ("He dressed like Liberace robbed a Spencer's Gifts"—BOOM. Off the top of my head right there.), but then another boss came up to us and,…

Bacon is the Beyonce of food.