Not a Jalopnik article, but a little ditty I did by request of an Aztek driving buddy:

Given CR’s expertise at rating appliances, this ranking makes sense. 

Yep. Especially in a Smart. It’s a cheap city car, not an irreplaceable work of art. Besides, my feet smell like Limburger cheese and vinegar, and I will happily grind that funk into your carpets if I can’t keep my shoes on.

Nice headline, Kristen. Concise, to the point, and devoid of clickbait. Keep up the great work.

A 10 year old BMW. One of the ugliest of all time. 80,000 miles on an engine that’s doomed to fail sooner than later due to rod bearing failure. CP.

It’s a BMW. Every BMW owner, ever, thinks theirs is worth more than it is.

Make your own with a tune and a few exterior mods.

This is why girls don’t want to talk to you.

Golf GTI is boring compared to the competition? How then does it continue to beat them all in comparison tests, year after year?

I have owned several, and never want to own one again. The brand has strayed so far, it’s tainted the older models. I don’t even like driving them in Forza anymore. Just a stupid fucking brand for morons who enjoy being ripped off. Like Porsche for people with less money.

Better solution: make it lighter. Give it an aluminum engine, aluminum suspension bits, and aluminum body panels. Or carbon fiber where not cost-prohibited. The Mustang is a big fat fuck, and the GT500 gives up a lot of it’s gains over the GT by being an even bigger, fatter fuck.

I’ll be honest, I’ve owned a Mk1, Mk5, Mk6 GTI two-door.I was a two door guy. My Mk7 GTI Sport is a 4-door. And you know what? It makes the car better.  

The thing about the GTI on-paper is this: VW seriously underrates the actual hp of the GTI. Stock cars on dynos have put down as much as 230whp, which means the engines are putting out around 260 crank, which is near it’s competitors advertise.

Incorrect. The Bullitt movie car is Highland Green. So is this one.

Ah, Republican math. Where the answer always “it’ll be fine”.

I find it kind of startling how many Jalops seem to have no clue how various components of a car work, but are more than happy to dole out “expert” advice on how to drive a car.

Your differential and transmission won’t warm up unless you’re in gear and moving. So...

Same car, only the Caddy has a longer wheelbase and a plusher ride.

Given that it came with a column shifter and a bench seat, that’s kind of where the shifter has to go. As for spirited driving, this is a car that weighs about 4,500lbs. Get those silly ideas out of your head.

While this one is in good shape, these mods are fairly common for B-bodies and D-bodies of this era. I’d see someone paying $10k for this, but this price is cracked way out.