That dummy can't hurt you! He's not even alive! He's dead.

I don't recall saying it was the thing I most look forward to doing, but I like going to the movies on my birthday, and it's gonna be opening day… and there's a sliver of a chance it may be good, so why the hell not? Free popcorn!

King: Oh, god, I didn't end up writing a pre-teen gangbang again, did I?!

"Man, I hope I see a city get destroyed by a hovering blue light thing in the sky!"

Depends on the book, but pretty damn violent. The first one in particular has a very, very, VERY R-rated scene where a gun enters an X-rated orifice.

It looks like a lot of bad drugs were involved in cobbling the film together. It's like they knew The Matrix was a big hit, so they included all the "gun-fu" prominent in the trailer. Dystopian young adult novels are all the rage these days, so the main character is really gonna be a precocious young kid.

I'm not really feeling this Dark Tower film on account of it doesn't look good, but it does open on my birthday, so I might have to see it, anyway.

I am.

Like anyone needed another reason to love Kim Gordon.

Nah, Michael Cera has made me laugh before. I don't understand the appeal of Jesse Eisenberg at all.

I tried to escape reality with Skyrim last night, but my goddamn character had vampirism, man. I'm new to the world of the Elder Scrolls so I had to learn a lot of shit. Meanwhile my poor character is just struggling with this awful STD and I'm looking for directions to the Planned Parenthood while drunk or…

I tried to escape reality with Skyrim last night, but my goddamn character had vampirism, man. I'm new to the world of the Elder Scrolls so I had to learn a lot of shit. Meanwhile my poor character is just struggling with this awful STD and I'm looking for directions to the Planned Parenthood while drunk or…

I feel like you're coming on to me, sailor.

People calling you a moron isn't discrimination, moron.

Here's your trophy, buddy, made it just for you:

I love this trend I've been seeing where Trump supporters assume that everyone who didn't vote for Trump wants a trophy. I don't want a fucking trophy. I know every debate you have revolves around trophies somehow (yeah, participation awards didn't exist when you were a kid, sure), but believe it or not, what I…

Trump is the leftover stains from all the incest.

He might know a thing or two about oppressive regimes.

Yet, still not anywhere near as icky as anything the nest president of the United States has said.

They drove a dump truck full of money up to her house.