*opens bottle with eye socket*

I used to work at this place that did market research and one time we were doing a study on Zima-like beverages (one of them WAS Zima, the others were other brands of wine cooler). After the study we were instructed to toss the shit in a dumpster, but I ended up taking them home, had a party and got drunk as fuck. …

Can I have your Pacificos, then?

After this goddamned week I need a handle of Wild Turkey. I'll see you guys after my four-year bender.

Eight of 'em.

I saw Boogie Nights when I was 12 and me and my friends only knew it was about porn and Heather Graham got naked in it (and that there was a big, fake dick in there somewhere). I didn't expect it to be so funny, and it actually drew me in, and then after the New Years Eve party I didn't except to be hit in the…

I had a great time seeing it in the theater. It wasn't my favorite ever or anything, but it was a Star Wars movie that didn't suck.

No, it totally matters, Dik, just not if you're white.

So many different kinds of fat pants!

If they fuck up, they can just blame Obama. They already blamed him for 9/11 and the 2008 debt collapse.

Or a thrilling pirate ship battle will be interrupted so that some guy in the present day can locate a manila folder or something.

This morning I was taking a shit and my cat walked past the door and I heard her upchuck and vomit. While sitting on the toilet, I knew I couldn't get to the vomit yet and clean it up. I was stranded, hopeless and defenseless.

Oh, it's gonna be bad. If you have cancer and you're on Obamacare, you're pretty well fucked. Lives are literally at stake.

What ironic punishment exists for people who don't believe in evolution?

Nah, if anything it just makes me think about the election even MORE. Because Mike Pence is totally an X-Men politician villain.

I wanna see the one where he apologizes to all the other guys who played Spider-Man.

Jesus fucking Christ, Donald Trump is president.

neurozach is, I'm pretty sure.

Hey I'm down.

I don't understand. The President, the motherfucking President, the guy who chooses Supreme Court justices was blocked from doing his job. And these guys were voted back in, and the craziest motherfucker of them all is in charge. What goddamned planet am I living on? What in the name of Christ is happening?