Capital P Petty: When he brakes up with you on your birthday by sending you “sorry it didn’t work out, I love you” flowers. Go to a bar, get shit-faced drunk and hand out his number to every woman in the bar to send dick pics. All night.

Was the suicidal robot named Marvin by chance?

You made me read this. I wasn’t gonna, but you wrote it and now my eyes are bleeding thoughts. This heffa is a Tom to the nth degree. I should not be this angry on a Friday night.

With all the workplace shootings, how many co-workers get the benefit of the doubt for pumping a shotgun in someone’s face. If he had been muslim or black, I doubt they would be tasking this so lightly.

That’s mighty white of him.

There is so much shade in this article I feel like I’m on the dark side of the moon! Dayam!

If that island ever happens, I’m in!

I said it before and I’ll say it again. The Root After Dark articles are a treasure! A man with excellent foreplay game has to be careful where he steps because the floors are extra slippery when wet.

I am with you on this. I started tearing up a bit with joy.

Black woman-city dweller here. I have three layers of window coverings and I love natural daylight. I also have 6‘ and 10' windows. I keep blinds on the mid-point of the windows to the sill. They are cheap and let all the light through without being see through. I have heavy sheers over the blinds, for when i wast to…

Heading there now!

Can we start giving articles stars? 38J here and all my bras cost at least 60 bucks.

If you don’t go down... get the fuck out of town!

I am with you. Unfortunately most of the men I’ve been involved with have made Vienna sausage look big. Great tongue game though. I would love to find the total package. That would be awesome.

Give me an ass eatin’ kinky muthafukka and I don’t care watcha packin’

I just hired an IT guy. He comes to my office in the late afternoon to apologize for putting his hand on my back. I was like....what???? I didn’t even notice or remember. He proceeds to say “in today’s atmosphere”. I proceeded to give him a lecture on inappropriate touching.

After 10 am those mcmuffins are made to order. Will I hold up the drive thru 20 minutes for this warm deliciousness? . . .

This is the funniest thing I have read. This appealed to my inner 14 year old boy!

Every McDonalds I have been to has had super dried out burgers and cold limp fries. The hot fudge sundaes and the sausage egg and cheese mcMuffin are the bomb diggity. Giggity!

Sean Spicer?