May I introduce my friends from Chicago? These two are GarPax, and that's their new coach Jimmy McPushup.

Ironic, because they only just got around to getting rid of the foot powder keg that Rex Ryan kept in his office.

Around age 12: “Ooh! Vanilla frosting in the fridge!”

You, USOC, in emojis: {poop}{poop}{poop}{poop}{poop}.

“Smart-dunking”? This isn’t a sponsored post for those self-lacing Nikes, is it?

Are we sure that's not also the real reason the assistant coach got fired?

Communication is *especially* important in both marriage and NBA transactions when you’re trying to negotiate a three-way.

That's an NFL-caliber non-apology. 

Another suggestion: Go later.

Was it Mary Bono? 

Was it Mary Bono? 

Good thing, too. It's very hard for kickers to get an opinion off under a heavy rush. 

Is there any worse place to be than “behind Mike Glennon on the depth chart”?

Agreed. I'll take the ashole tag here. 

Is there a named Internet rule that every post criticizing someone else’s copy-editing, spelling, or grammar will inevitably have a typo in it?  

Hey, are you taking a knee because you hate America, or because your ACL just snapped?

I was hoping to take my kiddo to see him pitch this fall. 

2020? Perfect! He’ll be back just in time to get sold off in their *next* white flag surrender-and-rebuild.

Hold on to that thought until after Trump pardons him. 

Alternately: Sometimes it’s better to be pasty than good.

How dare you disrespect the military with that socialist claptrap on Labor Day weekend?!