Hooray! We always heard about “your permanent record,” and now we’ve finally got one!

If you show The Ring to a deaf person does it not work?

Wife and I have a joint account for groceries, rent, etc. Otherwise, we have separate accounts from our joint. We each do different things with our money (she's the saver, I take care of most kids activities, weekend adventures, short trips and the like) so it all balances out. What matters is that we don't keep…

and SEVERELY points out your constant lateness if you repeat the joke

This is why Disney villains are so cool.

I think the bug IS the cryptocurrency. You guys have fun with that.

Better yet, teach your kids to recognize when somebody is giving them a task that by design has no end.  Such people are to be avoided at all costs.

There is 100% no shame in you wearing a life jacket too. I won’t swim in open water without one, or hold my son without a float for me if I can’t touch the bottom in a pool.
Or like edhem said, don’t play if he keeps doing that. He’ll learn. 

Something like this should work: Have a very stern conversation with him about how he needs to stop doing that. If he does it again, immediately do what you have to in order to get away from him to safety, then refuse to play with him until he agrees not to do it again. Repeat as necessary.

Look man if I am tending bar and some chick with a full beard saddles up I am not carding her and she's probably going to drink for free. 

To be fair, though, roughly 37% of New York city residents are 31-year-olds who work at an advertising agency.

Friend, you may have degree and letters after your name, but surely you will note that ༺GRIM ≡ﾟS༻(⧖) has a degree and letters and assorted symbols in her name. Check and mate.

I was...avoiding spoilers??

That was a triathlon joke

Girl, you can get them at Claire’s for $7.

We have a guy who drinks 25 cups a day. He’s in charge of the Interwebs

Oh my god, those reviews are priceless: “I got a free cat in the box with my purchase, but I’m not sure if I should open it to see if it’s okay.”

Why is climbing Everest still a thing? Thousands have done it, and hundreds have died, trying. It’s an ecological disaster, and a sacred mountain is now covered in garbage, shit, and human bodies. It’s become just one more way for the hyper-rich to throw away their money just to claim one more way they feel…

UPDATE: He broke out.