Colin Cowherd masturbates to Glengarry Glen Ross.

Colin Cowherd writes Entourage fan fiction.

Colin Cowherd keeps a spreadsheet of jean/blazer combinations.

“You ain’t no real nigga. You a white boy, you preppy, you rich boy.”

Oh he’s definitely a subscriber:

paradix?

Smallest and biggest dick all wrapped into one. How DOES he do it?

...my feelings towards the List have soured.

Not really. The list was less providing advice on how to avoid death, more ominous foretelling of your inevitable doom.

You could put “lists of things trying to kill you in Australia” under the latter. At least it’s trying to help.

*moves pizza from “Things In Australia Not Trying To Kill You” list to “Things In Australia Trying To Kill You” list*

Speaking generally, I guess I just don’t understand, in 2015, what “poptimists” are so worried about. They’ve been utterly victorious. Every old dead cliche about a rock critic establishment that hates chart pop is just that: dead. Hipsters proclaim their love for all things chart pop. Every major music publication in…

Labial cigar?

Then I demand a raise. And a BJ.

And this is exactly why my dad made me learn how to change my own tire, he knew I’d never be able to count on a man to do it for me.

I desperately need someone to teach me how to man. I went in my garage the other day and I exploded in hives. I had to wrap my body in the softest blankets to soothe my angry skin. I picked up a hammer and it immediately became lodged in my throat. I had to ask men at the man store to remove it. Later that same week I…

A quick trip down the Will Cain rabbit hole shows that before ESPN, he rarely spoke about sports.

Commenter doesn’t know the difference between commenter and reporter. Comes to Deadspin to complain about Deadspin.

I am going to go out on a limb here and I don’t mean this in a unkind way-but if the cognitive function of this couple is perhaps a little on the low end, I can see how this all lines up. It could also explain why they think raising a cat is similar to a baby, asking for $50k is reasonable etc. Maybe to them it all…