Wow. Wow.

I think all men should be issued with big sisters.

Alex: Oh, hi. I was just filling out the placecards. What's up?

Hi, everybody. This is Emma's, um, sister. Emma can't comment on this story because she's like totally dead. Of drowning or whatever. :'(

Wait, he did this for a LONG DISTANCE relationship? That's, like, the easiest relationship to cowardly break up in. He could even text it to her and there's nothing she could do! Why would suicide ever be needed as an excuse?

My great-grandmother, who lived in small-town Maine, kept a scrapbook of clippings from the local newspaper, many of which were social announcements. There were at least two items about young men who broke engagements by LEAVING TOWN FOREVER. I've always been struck by that—there was enough social pressure to get…

"Homer, when I asked if that dummy was to fake your own death, you told me no!"

teaching my little brother how not to be a dick to ladies has been the majority of my big sister duties. also quite frustrating, because as much as i love my brother, dude's sort of a dick sometimes.

Thank you. I have been on the receiving end of that one. Shit or get off the pot, dude.

I had to school my little brother about not being the guy who deliberately acts like a dick so the girl will "feel empowered" to break up with him. He (and many other guys) thought it would be easier on her to be the dumper instead if the dump-ee. If you don't want to be together anymore, suck it up and take care of…

I always get an inexplicable urge to shove my pinky in there. Obviously I haven't since I'm not posting this from prison.

Ugh, only slightly better.

You ever really looked at one of those? Like, straight at it? Fucking. Terrifying. Like looking into the abyss, and seeing how you're going to die. The word alone makes me shudder. Dickhole.

He would've done better with a post-it.

Ugh, yes, the "I don't want to hurt you" defense, which inevitably leads to things that are far more hurtful than telling the truth would be.

She sure dodged a bullet there. Or a speeding bullet train headed for Crazytown.

She didn't just dodge a bullet, she dodged a ballistic missile.

I suppose you ought to know the dickhole in sheep's clothing before the wedding. After would just be an expensive affair.

(SARCASM BUTTON) But...he didn't want to hurt her!

i know by the time you're down here, dear reader, it's probably too late, but if you were too frightened by having mark, of all people, describe the video with the phrase 'you will never unsee', rest assured it is awful like 'i brought my six year old to take your daughter to work day, left her at my desk, got drunk…